You’re in your favorite lecture. Next to you is the hottest girl at RIT. She doesn’t know your name yet, but you might as well be in heaven. Then, out of nowhere, you begin to feel that all-too-familiar tingle between your buttocks. You need to itch there, but you don’t think you can get away with it. Sound like you?
Distorter understands, which is why we’ve compiled a list of inconspicuous methods for digging in your butt. Whether you’re itchy because you wiped too much, didn’t wipe at all, or just have a classic wedgie forming, Distorter has your back for all your butt-digging needs.
Prevention Methods
Although there are several low-key methods for scratching your butt, your best bet is always prevention.
Most itchy buttholes are the result of amateur wiping techniques. While a lazy wiper may leave flakes of fecal matter behind, an overzealous wiper might rub too hard, leaving crumbs of toilet paper. It seems almost impossible to find a workable balance!
Thankfully, as of 2026, students facing significant difficulty with wiping now have the option to seek one-on-one tutoring at the Sol Study Center on Mondays from 6 to 8 a.m.
That said, here at Distorter Magazine, we find bidets to be the most effective method of prevention. A bidet can deliver a powerful stream of water to a user’s inner buttocks, allowing them to circumvent the wiping stage entirely! In today’s day and age, virtually anyone can purchase a bidet attachment.
Reporter Tip: ALWAYS consult roommates before starting a bidet installation journey
Lastly, for those who struggle with frequent wedgies, we recommend switching to cotton thongs. While it may seem counterintuitive, a properly fitted thong should feel like you’re not wearing underwear at all! There is not yet enough data to definitively say if thongs lower sperm count.
“Did you see that guy?”
This is a good method for beginners. If you’re gathered with friends and need to dig in your butt, simply point at a stranger and say, “Did you see that guy?” You can then tell your friends that the guy was digging in his butt. Now you are free to dig in your butt, and your friends will think that you are helpfully demonstrating what the stranger was doing.
Coin Slot/Card Reader
Use this method if you are wearing low-rise pants. Start by confirming that people are sitting behind you. This step cannot be skipped. When you are ready, make a shocked face and look at the people seated around you. After this, you will exclaim something along the lines of “Somebody slipped something down my butt crack.” This method is based on a common prank where one slides a coin or swipes a credit card down an unsuspecting individual’s exposed crack, but feel free to get creative with it. This trick aims to shift the awkwardness onto those sitting around you. Once you have everyone’s attention, you can dig around in your butt whilst maintaining your innocent reputation.
The Fall
For this method, you will be tumbling backwards into a pole or a stairwell. Capitalize on this moment to itch, pick at, or adjust your butt as needed. Feel free to get creative with the object you fall upon and the backstory for why you are falling.
The Cool Rock
For this method, you will need a cool rock or some other small object that you might plausibly want to show off. Start by telling your friend that you want to show them something. With the cool rock in hand, hold your hands behind your back and allow your friend to guess what the object is. Capitalize on this moment.
Hint: the longer your friend takes to guess, the longer you may dig around.
Conclusion
To dig or not to dig? Although this guide provides covert methods to dig in your butt, we recognize that when, where and how you dig in your butt is an incredibly personal choice. Whether you confidently itch your crack with your head held high or pick away at your underwear with guilt, we respect the courage it takes to make such a decision.
