After five years on campus, countless construction projects and thousands of students, one resident has seen it all. Distorter sat down with a white-tailed deer in the forest behind Grace Watson Hall. 

Q: Hello there, what’s your name?

A: Greetings. My name is Gerald, but you can call me Gerry.

Q: We’ve heard a lot about you. Please tell us about yourself.

A: Absolutely. I was born several springs ago on campus. I enjoy eating the grass around. Once, I tried some food from Gracie’s that a freshman threw out. I will continue eating grass.

Q: I know. Talking about humans, have the people here been treating you well?

A: Yeah. Strangely, last week when I was grazing some grass, I heard someone tell his friend, “Yea he’s just chill like that.” Whatever that means.

Q: I mean, yeah, you’re chill like that. Have the students been bothering you?

A: Not at all. One time, I was walking around the woods at night and came across a group of students sitting around a campfire, passing around a lit stick. The air also smelled foul. I thought Sawyer the Skunk was around.

Q: Do you mean a joint? Were they smoking weed?

A: I think so. They were shocked to see me when I approached them. One student said, “Bro… do y’all think the deer can understand us?” It was pretty chill.

Q: How do you feel about students who approach you?

A: I’d rather they keep their space. A student once apologized for capitalism. I don’t even have a job or pay taxes. I’ve been ranted to about at least six breakups and seven exams.

Q: Anything else you’d like to share with Distorter?

A: Absolutely. I think you all should learn how to relax more. Do it the Gerry way. Go into the forest alone and scream.

After the interview concluded, Gerry started eating a bush while students started congregating around him. He didn’t acknowledge them at all, displaying that he is the most emotionally stable member of the campus community.