This spring, RIT has decided to trash their buses and instead provide campus transportation via duckboat. “We were out on a lake one day and saw grossly yellow and colossal ducks,” said administration in a statement this week, “it was love at first sight, and we knew it would be just the right way to make things more inconvenient for students.” Also included in the duckboats is built-in RitchAI, which many are saying will revolutionize the transportation experience by requiring facial scanning and reducing soulful human interaction. They want to sell biometric data back to students in hopes that it will “encourage them to take a shower.” 

In order to get the boats running, all roads on campus will be replaced by canals. “We will now join great establishments such as Venice, Disneyland, and the local wastewater plant in providing entertainment in the form of flowing water,” said RIT President Asmodeus. When asked about their feasibility during winter, administration ensured that the canals, like the walkways, would also not get maintained, noting lower accessibility as a central part of their 5-year plan for RIT. Asmodeus envisions an RIT in which a student doesn’t need to worry about whether or not they’ll injure themselves on ice: he wants to make it a guarantee. 

The Recruiting Office also stated the intention of hiring at least 10 additional administrators; one to oversee the new duckboats and nine others to oversee themselves. When asked about the feasibility of this arrangement, Distorter was referred to the “Red Herring Office” and hasn’t received contact since. Unrelated to the demolition of all the roads, tuition is being raised by 20% next year. “When you’re running a fine institution like RIT, big improvements like duckboats are what drive innovation. Fortunately, innovation is powered by despair in the souls of overburdened students,” commented administration, “without crushing debt, what would the point of college be? Learning?” During this announcement, they also put aside a $10,000 cigarette fund for the new duckboat captains, citing the fact that smoke comes out of most boats and they generally work, right?

To learn more about these revolutionary plans for RIT, the school encourages students to send suggestions to a text box titled “Incinerate Later.”