In the aftermath of the brutally cold winter of 2015, which included the coldest February on record that Rochester has ever experienced, there has recently been much discussion over ways to survive the freezing weather. One of the possible solutions that has resulted in equal amounts of derision and enthusiasm is a petition filed to secede Rochester from New York to Florida...

The following responses were leaked from an undisclosed source. They were written in response to petitions on the website PawPrints, but were apparently never published. The veracity of the following has yet to be confirmed.

We should have more butter pecan ice cream. I like butter pecan ice cream.

I would love to have a life in which ice cream flavors are the central cause of my angst, but being born with a functioning frontal lobe kind of complicates that. But let’s say we fix your problem and give you all of the ice cream your little heart desires...

The universe is an incessantly cruel place, devoid of answers and offering only cold, relentless silence as a retort to our most daunting questions. What is the meaning of life? Is there a God? What is the secret to happiness?

Who the fuck is the black guy in Hot Tub Time Machine 2 and what kind of monster were these pills designed for?

I took two of these little, round, off-white tablets wrapped in a cellophane cigarette-pack wrapper I got from a rather unscrupulous female friend that pulled them out from between her breasts about half an hour ago. She described them as having been purchased from a man with a severe case of bipolar disorder, or maybe schizophrenia...

Hello to my loyal followers! Cunt Blacula here with another rave review of an amazing product. I know we have all heard of the exclusive dating app Tinder, but I am here to tell you I have found something better. Are you just as tired of having to wade through profiles upon profiles of unassuming alpha males posing in mirror selfies just to get to the sexy fishermen? Well, I was! So, I went on a search to find an app for my refined taste. On my quest, I found what my heart truly desired: Fisher. It is a beautiful app full of profiles of desirable men waiting to satiate your appetite for seafood and hot, hot sailboat sex...

Life is a fucking nightmare.

Let's be perfectly honest with each other about this for once. Aside from two to five minuscule things like love and friendship (which are already pretty overrated), life is just a relentless maelstrom of rejection and disappointment. When you sit down and really try to fabricate reasons to continue dragging out your pathetic existence, nine times out of 10 all you're left with is a gaping chasm where any semblance of a promising future used to be and an even larger sense of existential dread...

“If I could dance to, on or at anyone instead of talking to them, I would,” said Dan C. Fiend, soon to be the first-ever Interpretive Dance student at RIT, before refusing to answer any of my following questions without exaggerated body movements.

Fiend is very excited to start the year in one of RIT’s newest and most innovative majors not yet offered anywhere else in the country...

When Reporter launched in 1951, it had one goal: to provide staunchly conservative "news" with aggressive, questionable authority. Today, we're proud to announce that we're one step closer to achieving that goal. We can finally unveil something that's been in the works at the Reporter offices for quite some time now: Reporter has (finally) merged with 21st Century Fox.

If there's one thing that the staff at Reporter hates more than journalistic integrity, fact checking and wage equality it's existing as a publicity machine for the vicious, vapid liberal media. Day in and day out, we've been forced to spew out socialist propaganda sent down from Führer Obama's freemason stronghold...

RIT is known for its long-storied past of brutal lake-effect winters. From December to March we are battered with snow and sub-zero temperatures, but we have one savior: our champion RIT Snow Plowing team.

The RIT Plowing Team has been the National Champion since 1983. They are the number-one plowing team in the world, beating out the Soviet Union and Canada every year. RIT has a plowing record that is almost perfect. 

“Yeah, we’re pretty much the best,” says Mason Cummings, seventh year Sexual Education and Women's Studies major. Cummings has lead the team to numerous victories in his last five years on the team.

This year, Cummings plowed his way to victory...

Hey, Cunt Blacula here! I'm the resident expert in all things new and improved...

Rochester is cold, so get all your nerve endings removed.

Think about it: you can’t get cold if you can’t feel anything. Not only that, but you’ll never hurt yourself stubbing your toe or feel what it’s like to hold your own son or daughter or to have sex. Not that it’s important, you go to RIT; you’re not having sex anyway.

This procedure is seriously expensive and not covered by Obamacare. Fortunately, RIT administration has you covered. If you've been wondering about that 3.8 percent increase in tuition, every member of administration was required to get the procedure done...

Check out the answers for the March print magazine's Beer Crossword!

A look at the misconceptions surrounding Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder in regards to symptoms, treatments and daily life with this condition. 

The evolution of prostitution into the online world and the implications of a global sex trafficking marketplace.

Figure models and the artists that draw them in the nude view the human body from an unconventional perspective.

A look at what nudists and naturists do during the colder months.

One student's story of his little-known facial recognition disorder.

Several days ago a Buzzfeed article was circulating throughout my Facebook newsfeed with the title "A Christian Blogger Stopped Wearing Yoga Pants for Her Husband so She Wouldn't "Entice" Men." 

Aside from the incredibly long, horrible title and the fact that it irks me that some people consider Buzzfeed to be a credible news source, this article really bothered me. Veronica Partridge, the subject of this article, explained that she was chatting with some friends about leggings and "...how when women wear them it creates a stronger attraction for a man to look at a woman's body..." thus increasing the amount of objectification they may feel...

Although America's obesity epidemic is at unprecedented levels, there is a growing number of people who deny the danger of this phenomenon...

I took pills that would supposedly make my shit sparkle so that you didn't have to.

College-aged youth often forget how important is to stay healthy; we feel invincible, untouchable and in control of every aspect of our lives...

New cybernetic technology has put us in a position that allows us to interact with the digital world without having to open our laptops or unlock our phones...

Why so few women go topless in one of the states most known for topless equality.

"I've been doing it for about a year now, and I've had two sprained ankles, a sprained knee, my wrists, a black eye," Lyndsey "Sweet Sexteen" Rae said, taking a pause to recall other injuries...

A look at street harassment on and off campus, how it affects the subjects and how they respond.

Hair is insanely weird...

Physically disabled students at RIT find trouble in the accessibility of the campus.

A Wwanderer's tale of a fabled paradise just beyond RIT's walls...

Holiday traditions are tainted by their negative environmental impact, but experts offer a wide variety of solutions to preserve the merriment of the holidays.

With many advocacy groups, there seems to be a veneer over their true mission. Has Autism Speaks become another one of those groups?

Enabling the "dis"abled, one hand at a time.