BREAKING NEWS — We are all undoubtedly familiar with RIT's distinguished President Wrestler. And I'm sure each and every one of you with a middle-aged soccer moms is familiar with the smooth, soulful rhythms of William Tiger, jazz banjoist. The local legend's hypnotic chords and mellow demeanor have dominated the haunts of elderly and elder-to-be alike for years now.

Just in case you've been living under a rock for the past eight years, go familiarize yourself with Tiger's work. Go on, I can wait.

Back? Good. Well, get your socks on, 'cause I'm about to blow them right off...

Do you go to RIT? Aren't hands weird? Do you think God could be Santa Claus? What is the Easter Bunny? Why do we have all these questions? What is this article even about?

Picture this:

You look up, and it’s you. Exiting the library, walking down the Quarter Mile, you watch them as they slide by unnoticed.

You have met your doppelgänger.

While before you lived your life in peaceful ignorance, there is no going back. Now that you have noticed them, they will turn up seemingly wherever you go. Slowly, your doppelgänger becomes aware of you as well.

Then it is a matter of avoiding eye contact while brushing past each other in the hallways. It is a tangible awkwardness, as if the universe is realizing its mistake. Two humans, exactly alike in looks, is a statistical improbability...

Aside from being the ultimate time-waster and making me question why I go to this God-damned school, Yik Yak is quite possibly the closest thing we have to an Animal Planet documentary:

And here we see the wild Top Hat Guy in his usual hunting ground. The scared college students chatter, or "yak," to alert others to his presence.

In the chemistry classroom, we can observe Chemkid trying to impress the females of his species. Although there is only one other documented member of his species, known as “Chemgirl,” it seems that Chemkid mistakes a classroom full of college students as members of his own species...

Everything we simply adore about our alma mater.

There is not a doubt in anybody's mind that this past winter was cold as fuck. RIT's Facilities Management Services (FMS) had all but given up on clearing our Siberian hell-scape from the sludgy snow. Though spring has officially arrived, there's no guarantee we're in the clear yet. Most people from the Rochester region have collectively agreed that we cannot and will not put up with another winter of our discontent next year.   

This past weekend, about 700 Rochesterians gathered outside of City Hall to show support for Rochester's Mayor Personable Warren's plan to cede control and location of our fair city to the Sunshine State of Florida...

"Why would anyone willingly put this in their mouth?" I ask myself as I smelled the foul-looking mushrooms sitting in my hand. The drugs look daunting, and I'm concerned about how I will react to taking shrooms for the first time. I read up on the drugs beforehand, and I have a sober friend with me to ensure that I was safe and taken to the hospital if I had a bad reaction. I look fearfully at my friend during my long pause of consideration.

"Just pinch your nose and don't chew them too much," he saidys with a straight face, as if this was groundbreaking advice. "The more you chew, the worse they taste and the harder they are to actually swallow...

 In the aftermath of the brutally cold winter of 2015, which included the coldest February on record that Rochester has ever experienced, there has recently been much discussion over ways to survive the freezing weather. One of the possible solutions that has resulted in equal amounts of derision and enthusiasm is a petition filed to secede Rochester from New York to Florida...

The following responses were leaked from an undisclosed source. They were written in response to petitions on the website PawPrints, but were apparently never published. The veracity of the following has yet to be confirmed.

We should have more butter pecan ice cream. I like butter pecan ice cream.

I would love to have a life in which ice cream flavors are the central cause of my angst, but being born with a functioning frontal lobe kind of complicates that. But let’s say we fix your problem and give you all of the ice cream your little heart desires...

The universe is an incessantly cruel place, devoid of answers and offering only cold, relentless silence as a retort to our most daunting questions. What is the meaning of life? Is there a God? What is the secret to happiness?

Who the fuck is the black guy in Hot Tub Time Machine 2 and what kind of monster were these pills designed for?

I took two of these little, round, off-white tablets wrapped in a cellophane cigarette-pack wrapper I got from a rather unscrupulous female friend that pulled them out from between her breasts about half an hour ago. She described them as having been purchased from a man with a severe case of bipolar disorder, or maybe schizophrenia...

Check out the answers for the March print magazine's Beer Crossword!

A look at the misconceptions surrounding Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder in regards to symptoms, treatments and daily life with this condition. 

The evolution of prostitution into the online world and the implications of a global sex trafficking marketplace.

Figure models and the artists that draw them in the nude view the human body from an unconventional perspective.

A look at what nudists and naturists do during the colder months.

One student's story of his little-known facial recognition disorder.

Several days ago a Buzzfeed article was circulating throughout my Facebook newsfeed with the title "A Christian Blogger Stopped Wearing Yoga Pants for Her Husband so She Wouldn't "Entice" Men." 

Aside from the incredibly long, horrible title and the fact that it irks me that some people consider Buzzfeed to be a credible news source, this article really bothered me. Veronica Partridge, the subject of this article, explained that she was chatting with some friends about leggings and "...how when women wear them it creates a stronger attraction for a man to look at a woman's body..." thus increasing the amount of objectification they may feel...

Although America's obesity epidemic is at unprecedented levels, there is a growing number of people who deny the danger of this phenomenon...

I took pills that would supposedly make my shit sparkle so that you didn't have to.

College-aged youth often forget how important is to stay healthy; we feel invincible, untouchable and in control of every aspect of our lives...

New cybernetic technology has put us in a position that allows us to interact with the digital world without having to open our laptops or unlock our phones...

Why so few women go topless in one of the states most known for topless equality.

"I've been doing it for about a year now, and I've had two sprained ankles, a sprained knee, my wrists, a black eye," Lyndsey "Sweet Sexteen" Rae said, taking a pause to recall other injuries...

A look at street harassment on and off campus, how it affects the subjects and how they respond.

Hair is insanely weird...

Physically disabled students at RIT find trouble in the accessibility of the campus.

A Wwanderer's tale of a fabled paradise just beyond RIT's walls...

Holiday traditions are tainted by their negative environmental impact, but experts offer a wide variety of solutions to preserve the merriment of the holidays.

With many advocacy groups, there seems to be a veneer over their true mission. Has Autism Speaks become another one of those groups?

Enabling the "dis"abled, one hand at a time.