Rochesterians to Mayor: It's Time for Us to Move
by Dan Glysack | published Apr. 1st, 2015
This past weekend, about 700 Rochesterians gathered outside of City Hall to show support for Rochester's Mayor Personable Warren's plan to cede control and location of our fair city to the Sunshine State of Florida. Similar to Patrick in the hit television show "Spongebob Squarepants," the basic concept is that we need to take Rochester and move it somewhere else. The main bulk of this petitioned movement was planned by students at RIT who have just about had enough with this wintery bullshit.
RIT Student Body President RayChell Carinturn was quoted as saying, "Though we understand that Florida is made up primarily of white trash on the panhandle, old folks in the middle and fist-pumping guidos in the south, we are willing to take the risk if we don't need to put up with this cold for another god-damned winter." The main source of Carinturn's anguish comes from the decision not to close the RIT campus during the snow shitstorm earlier this year. RIT's President William Wrestler, who is famous for the invention of the weather machine, is not fazed by the cold. In fact, he thrives on it. Wrestler is very big into renewable energy. During the winter months, the Earth is closer to the sun, and hence his solar panels get more sunlight. Though the opposition by Wrestler and his wrinkly crones is strong, Warren is not going to go down without a fight.
Though she does not yet have official word from the City Council as to whether or not we can in fact move rusty old Ra-Cha-Cha, she is urging all residents to start throwing out any unnecessary belongings to make the chore of pushing Rochester down the Eastern Seaboard easier. Fortunately, because Rochester is a dying city that is constantly losing residents, we shouldn't have to deal with moving too many people. In fact, evidence has recently come to light that the demise of Kodak was a plan to decrease the city's population for this move. Who knew?
As this movement progresses to its climax, we all just need to buckle down and hope the dandruff of God stops falling down upon us. When the time for the great exodus does come, remember one thing Rochester — lift with your knees and not your back.