10 Thoughts I Had While Tripping

"Why would anyone willingly put this in their mouth?" I ask myself as I smelled the foul-looking mushrooms sitting in my hand. The drugs look daunting, and I'm concerned about how I will react to taking shrooms for the first time. I read up on the drugs beforehand, and I have a sober friend with me to ensure that I was safe and taken to the hospital if I had a bad reaction. I look fearfully at my friend during my long pause of consideration.

"Just pinch your nose and don't chew them too much," he said with a straight face, as if this was groundbreaking advice. "The more you chew, the worse they taste and the harder they are to actually swallow."

I nod fearfully and check to make sure that the glasses of water and orange juice are indeed full so that I have some sort of liquid to wash down these dry, cow-turd-scented potpourri pieces with. I take a deep breath, count to three in my head and toss all of the mushrooms into my mouth. I slowly begin chewing, which did indeed make the mushrooms taste even worse. A cross between chewing dirt and some indescribable, horrible-smelling baby's diaper, mushrooms are not something I can see myself snacking on often. Finally, through gags and retches, I force the mushrooms down my throat.

Grabbing the orange juice and gulping excitedly, I look at my friend, who had tripped on mushrooms beforehand.

"Just give it a few minutes," he reassured me. "In maybe 30 minutes or so you'll start to feel it."

I sit back and start to relax, waiting impatiently to feel different. All of the sudden, a sort of warmth starts to spread over my body. I look around the room, which was sunny and open, surprised by how beautiful everything looked and my lack of realization of this beauty beforehand. Everything was warm and exciting and funny. I suddenly started to giggle uncontrollably while my friend smiled knowingly.

It was starting.

1. Wouldn't it be great to be a mozzarella stick?

Maybe its because I feel so warm and comfy and mushy feeling inside, but I can't get the visual of gooey mozzarella out of my head. Wouldn't it be nice to just be some hot, melted cheese in a warm-breaded cocoon? Of course it wouldn't if someone were to eat you or something, but imagine up to that point. Cheese is so wonderful, especially when it's melted. And mozzarella sticks are so wonderful as well. All I want now is to be a mozzarella stick, specifically the cheese in a mozzarella stick. I don't think a mozzarella stick really has to worry about job interviews or keeping grades up. I admit that I don't know much about mozzarella stick culture. Maybe they'd find it racist if I just thought they were lazy, fried bits of breadcrumbs and cheese lounging on TGI Friday's plates. "Cheesist."

2. How did the first person find the Friends theme song?

I've only ever heard the Friends theme song on Friends. I've never heard it on the radio or anything. I don't even know who sings it. How did the first person hear this song? How did they come to the conclusion that this was the song that would brand this television series forever? How does anyone find those random theme songs, like the one for The Office? That's not even an actual song, it's just instruments. What is the process for these sorts of things?

3. Does anyone else see the water dripping on the ceiling?

I'm looking up at my ceiling while sitting down and I swear I see water dripping. It's running along the ceiling, dripping. I want to touch it but I don't want to look weird. But that water is definitely real, right? If my imagination was going to start hallucinating something, it wouldn't be that the roof was dripping, would it? What if all roofs are leaking at all times but you need to be tripping just hard enough to see it?

4. Why is orange juice sweeter than the actual orange?

No explanation needed.

5. The water is definitely real.

I feel it dripping on my head. Unless I'm imagining that, too.

6. It has been answered: the water is real.

7. When did I stop doing somersaults for fun?

When I was a kid I used to roll around and somersault and go crazy all the time. What makes us stop that? Why can't we still somersault when we're in college? MY DEGREE DOES NOT MEAN I SHOULDN'T SOMERSAULT. Keep calm and somersault on, man.

By the way, somersault is one of those words that loses all meaning after saying it five times. It could mean anything. Shakers of salt chilling on the beach.

8. All I want to do now is frolic.

Because the weather in dreary Rochester has finally broken, my friend and I make our way outside to get rid of some of the crazy energy that I have. I start running, doing cartwheels and skipping. I miss being this carefree. Shoutout to RIT for making me one lame-ass responsible person. I just want to be a kid and trip all the time!

9. I'm getting paranoid.

Everyone can tell that I'm tripping. My friend and I make our way back inside. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.

10. Why am I whispering?

My friend has told me that I'm whispering, but I feel like I'm talking so loud. I have to be quieter. You know how sometimes people tell you that you're being loud? Imagine how ants must feel. Even me whispering me must be like a jet engine to them. All city ants must have severe inner-ear trauma. I'm sorry, I really am.