PawPrints: Some Honest Responses
by Francis Scott Coollove | published Apr. 1st, 2015
The following responses were leaked from an undisclosed source. They were written in response to petitions on the website PawPrints, but were apparently never published. The veracity of the following has yet to be confirmed.
We should have more butter pecan ice cream. I like butter pecan ice cream.
I would love to have a life in which ice cream flavors are the central cause of my angst, but being born with a functioning frontal lobe kind of complicates that. But let’s say we fix your problem and give you all of the ice cream your little heart desires. You would be happy for five minutes, and then you’d go right back to PawPrints and whine about wanting rainbow sprinkles or cookies or whatever other diabetes-inducing shit you also pine for.
Not only is ice slippery, but it forms on the ground! I expect an immediate change.
Thank you for your spirited concern. I would advise you to speak to your academic advisor about transferring to a school that’s not so cold, dumbass. Let me get this straight: you intentionally move to Rochester, one of the coldest and snowiest cities in the continental U.S., and you complain about ice in the winter time? Do you complain about dampness when you go swimming? Do you put scissors in your mouth and complain how salty the taste of blood is? Stop me if I’m assuming too much, but I think at some point in your life you looked at a map and thought to yourself “Hey, I’m going to college in upstate New York.” If the existence of ice is so troubling to you, you could have gone to one of the thousands of schools in one of the dozens of states where it does not snow. We all go here. Do you know how we’re not all sacks of bruises and broken bones? We don’t step on the ice. Sorry if watching where you step is too much for your mental faculties to handle.
The Wi-Fi is bad. This is a pressing issue. I want better Wi-Fi.
Do you even know what you’re saying? The internet is a miracle, and it’s being wasted on you and that is a tragedy. There is unlimited information on it, and yet you choose to remain ignorant and childish. Instead of bitching about your League of Legends game lagging, take a step away from your computer and really think about the importance of what you’re doing. Go outside. Call your mom. “But I need the internet for homework!” you might protest. But if the bandwidth you use on a daily basis were proportional to the importance of what you are doing, you would be doing Nobel Prize-winning research instead of binge-watching "Friends" and downloading Estonian balloon porn. Here’s a life hack, just for you: instead of starting a petition, why don’t you just pretend it’s the '90s and that you’re not a whiny little shit?