How to Deal With Your Doppelgänger in Five Easy Steps
by Ophellia Balls | published Apr. 1st, 2015
You look up, and it’s you. Exiting the library, walking down the Quarter Mile, you watch them as they slide by unnoticed.
You have met your doppelgänger.
While before you lived your life in peaceful ignorance, there is no going back. Now that you have noticed them, they will turn up seemingly wherever you go. Slowly, your doppelgänger becomes aware of you as well.
Then it is a matter of avoiding eye contact while brushing past each other in the hallways. It is a tangible awkwardness, as if the universe is realizing its mistake. Two humans, exactly alike in looks, is a statistical improbability. There are some minor differences, noted only in personality and behavior. You have dubbed your doppelgänger “Pothead You,” based mostly on the copious amounts of pot that they seem to smoke.
This cannot continue any longer. There cannot be more than one of you. How do you deal with your doppelgänger? How do you rid the world of this anomaly? Follow these simple steps, and the world will be free from your doppelgänger.
Step One: Initiate Contact
This may be the hardest part. You must find an excuse to speak to your doppelgänger. This will take some form of infiltration over a course of months. When you find your in, you can proceed to step two.
Step Two: Speak to Your Doppelgänger
Once you have something in common as an excuse to speak, you must carefully word the first contact. There will be significant awkwardness, but you must pretend to be completely oblivious. Your doppelgänger will think that he is only seeing things. Don't pull a Tina Belcher. The conversation should go something like this:
You: Hello, [insert name here]. Could you help me with [insert your excuse here]?
Doppelgänger: (with some hesitation) Sure…
*Continue conversation as if this person was not an anomaly of nature to be corrected.*
Step Three: Gain Their Trust
Your doppelgänger must believe that you are a friend. It may be difficult to ignore the elephant in the room, but you must do so. During this process, you may find that your doppelgänger lives a better life than you. You can decide, after your doppelgänger has been taken care of, to take over their life completely. This is a much more difficult process because you will have to gather extensive data on their every relationship and even their major. This is not the suggested route to take, but it is possible.
Step Four: Critical Phase
Plan the perfect spring break vacation with your doppelgänger. It is very important to get all the details correct. You will be flying to Cuba. There is no better vacation than sticking it to the government, so you say. The truth is, your flight will stop in Canada. Canada is the perfect place to leave your doppelgänger. In fact, Canada was founded entirely by doppelgängers. Now, your doppelgänger will be confused when your layover in Canada does not result in a nice trip to Cuba. Tell them not to be alarmed, that this is what is best for everyone.
Step Five: Convince Them to Stay
It is possible that your doppelgänger will want to stay of his own free will. However, this is not likely. Your best bet is to dress similarly to your doppelgänger, commit some crime and then frame them. Canada will put them in jail. After your doppelgänger finishes his jail term, he will have been brainwashed into believing that Canada is awesome and will not want to leave.
You can now return to your normal life, having rid yourself of the doppelgänger anomaly.