by INFINITE $ORROW | published Apr. 1st, 2015
Life is a fucking nightmare.
Let's be perfectly honest with each other about this for once. Aside from two to five minuscule things like love and friendship (which are already pretty overrated), life is just a relentless maelstrom of rejection and disappointment. When you sit down and really try to fabricate reasons to continue dragging out your pathetic existence, nine times out of 10 all you're left with is a gaping chasm where any semblance of a promising future used to be and an even larger sense of existential dread. You are an insignificant, utterly worthless piece of cosmic irrelevance that will die cold and alone with insurmountable debts to pay to those you burdened with your pitiful wants and needs. Alone, you don't stand a chance. You need guidance, a hand in the dark to shepherd you toward something that even remotely resembles meaning in your shit-life. You need to cheat, and cheat as often as possible.
This is where Life Hacks come in. You might have seen these around on one of your 3:00 a.m. Tumblr binges, eyes glazed over in the soft blue glow of your laptop screen. They're handy, cute little tips designed to help bring some fleeting joy into your day-to-day life. They range from instructions on how to microwave two bowls at once to how to make your entire apartment smell like vanilla. Your mother probably posted one on your Facebook wall once in a not-so-subtle attempt to get you to call her, but you didn't because, like, this semester has just been really hectic also can I borrow $200? While Life Hacks do succeed at trivial joy-inducing, they utterly lack actual practical relevance. Sure, squeezing pancake batter out of an old ketchup bottle might bring some happiness into your life for a couple of minutes, but what happens when the pancakes are gone and you're standing naked in your kitchen at 4 in the afternoon wondering exactly where it all went so wrong?
Here are some Life Hacks that will genuinely make your life easier. These are guaranteed to inject a much-needed cocktail of drive, passion and substance into the femoral artery of your life:
1. LITERALLY JUST BREAK THE SPEED LIMIT ALL THE TIME.
You should already be doing this every single day of your life. In fact, you probably already do to some degree, but not nearly to the extent that you need to in order to live like a damn human being. No one's going to bat an eye when they see your Geo Metro cruising by at 18 in the 15-mph zone. A general rule of thumb for this one is to take the speed limit, double it and add 15. Sick of grinding to a near-halt at that school zone every morning on your commute? Nothing wows impressionable children more than endangering their precious little lives as you weave in between their tiny bodies at a cool 50 mph. The best part about this rule is that every time a cop pulls you over (and you should probably expect this to happen often — fascists), simply lower your reflective aviators an eighth of an inch, look him or her directly in the eyes and say, "Hey, it's cool, man." The police officer will then immediately relinquish their badge and gun upon witnessing how cavalier you are about basic traffic laws and the lives of others. They have to, it's the law. I'm a lawyer.
2. FIGHT EVERYONE ALL THE TIME.
Everyone is fighting their own little battles, which is why you should be actively getting in physical confrontations with complete strangers on a daily basis. Are you just going to let that guy, that chump, say "Bless you" to your girlfriend when she sneezes at the movies? Who the hell does he think he is, talking to her like she's an autonomous human being with thoughts and feelings? Does he think he's better than you? You're telling me you aren't going to climb over four rows of seats and teach this bozo a lesson in humility with a little help from the 20 rings currently lining your sausage-fingers? You didn't steal that Regal Cinemas gift card from your stepdad just to have your movie-watching experience ruined by Mr. Johnny-is-Polite-to-Women. You should probably also start bench pressing shirtless in your parent's front yard while blasting Hatebreed. Their neighbors will appreciate it. And if they don't, maybe it's time you introduced them to your fucking fists.
3. CONSTANTLY VIOLATE ZONING CODES.
So you woke up today and decided that the time has finally come to build that hot-house in your backyard so you can kickstart your pineapple-growing business. But look, here comes ol' Mr. Government to squash your fun, as always. "You can't build that here, there are codes and regulations to follow," he says, gold-flaked porridge dribbling down his endless chins as he shovels tax payers' money into a laughing furnace. "Now go fetch me a truncheon to murder this bald eagle with!" The government knows that zoning codes are meaningless, just like the economy and insulin. For the sake of the citizens of this country, you and you alone must shatter this illusion. Build a thousand terraces in your backyard, and once the horizon is no longer visible, build 10,000 more.
Rest assured, nothing will be handed to you in this life. The only thing that is certain is your inevitable death and probably some ice cream somewhere in the middle. It’s up to you to steal everything your grubby hands can clasp. There’s an entire world of possibilities barking at your door, and all you need to do is gather the strength to lift yourself off the floor and go choke the life out of it. Hopefully these Life Hacks will set you on the path to a righteous future and you’ll find yourself years later in an above-ground pool full of foreign currency, a plump lobster tail in each hand.
If not, don’t call me from jail. We don’t know each other, you hear me?