Winter Heat Wave Caused By President Wrestler’s Weather Machine

illustration by Radish Rabbit

According to the most recent NSA leak of current RIT President Wrestler’s phone and internet records, the recent heat wave here in Rochester is not caused by El Niño, global warming or whatever they do in the kitchens at Gracie's. Rather, new evidence has surfaced revealing the actual reason for the warm weather.

Late last year, Wrestler received a small loan of a million dollars from former RIT president, Ronald Plump. The transaction was kept under wraps by Wrestler’s new secret police, who have recently received copious amounts of armaments from an unknown source, despite public outcry. The money was given in an attempt to keep the weather machine running after the snow day last month, during which the machine temporarily stopped working.

According to our sources at Fox News, the weather machine runs solely on tuition dollars which must be dumped or shoveled by Wrestler himself into the furnace-looking contraption attached to the weather machine. 

The machine was originally intended to stop the ordinarily, extremely cold and snowy Rochester weather in order to raise student morale. However, like all things at RIT, the weather machine requires very large amounts of tuition money, so much so that charging students the amount required would cancel the effects of having the warm weather in the first place.

This tuition shortage is being further exacerbated by President of the United States Freezie Handers and his plan to make college tuition free, reducing the funding for the weather machine even further and leaving RIT and Wrestler without a steady stream of federal funding for the project.

Despite the ongoing war between Wrestler’s secret police and the Reporter militia, we attempted to interview the president, who commented:

“I don’t care about anything else. We will use all of the funding at our disposal on the weather machine. And balloons, the balloons too.”

He also made it apparent that they are currently talking with the Soviet Union of The Canada Space Exploration International Association of America Incorporated Corporation (SUCSEIAAIC), which wants to use the weather machine part-time for undisclosed purposes. In return, they claim they will send people from their Mars location to RIT as interpreting students to help fund the weather machine when they are not using it.

“Our plan will put money into the weather machine and interpreters on Mars,” said the director of the SUCSEIAAIC while discussing his plans to make contact with alien life. He also mentioned the possibility of American Sign Language being the language of choice among extraterrestrials.

“Students need not worry about the implications of changing natural weather patterns. The machine and system were designed, developed and tested by our students in Building 7,” assured Wrestler.

We sent our very own investigative reporter, Han SoHigh, into the Golisano Institute for Sustainability (GIS), where the weather machine motherboard is housed and where no one ever goes. Like ever. What he found inside was quite the surprise: underneath the building is actually 40 stories of underground facilities, at the bottom of which is the highly sought-after Area 51. As it turns out, the weather machine was built with parts from the crashed UFO found in Roswell, New Mexico about 70 years ago.

Testing grounds for other various experiments were uncovered during our investigation as well, including the machine rumored to be able to move cities to alternate locations, the anti-laxative production facility for use in the food at Gracie's and the plans to move RIT to an octester based calendar after the failure of the semester calendar.

Wrestler declined to comment on any mention of the facilities underneath the GIS. However, he did mention possible plans to move the weather machine to either the lawn of oblivion at the front entrance of campus or on the roof of his life-sized model toilet bowl. Decisions are currently in the works.

We interviewed students to gather their opinions on the current situation. Davin Danciour, an eighth year interpretive dance major, had quite a few objections to the current weather machine project.

“I always knew Wrestler was up to no good. Just look at his last name. It starts with W. The 22nd letter in the alphabet. 22 divided by 2 is 11. 7-11 was a part time job. RIT offers part time jobs to students. RIT has 18,000 students, 22 minus 18 is 4. The difference between 7 and 11 is 4. Area 51. 5 minus 1 is 4. Boom. This is what I've been talking about for years and trying to express through my dance. The time cube is real and the people must know the truth!” said Danciour.

Most students neglected to comment, and some even threw various objects at us when asked for an interview.

Details on where the project is going from here are scarce and unreliable; further comments from the president have been vague. Regardless of the possible next steps for the program, it doesn't look like the Wrestler weather machine project is being disbanded anytime soon.

We do have reports from Rochester mayor Horrible Warren, who just recently announced plans to move Rochester to the sunshine state of Florida in order to combat the increasingly harsh winters here in Rochester. No final decisions have been made at this point, but the Wrestler weather machine might have to relocate somewhere else before it becomes obsolete due to Florida’s heat.