Vladimir Putin: Savior of the Republican Party (and America)
by Lil Vladdy Puu Puu | published Apr. 1st, 2016
[The following is a leaked memo from an unspecified official within the Republican party]
Dear fellow Republican elites, names whispered by conspiracy theorists and uncles who can't take a cue to stop talking about politics:
Well, we've really screwed this one up, guys. Despite millions of dollars and the countless blood sacrifices, we have still been unable to thwart Donald Trump from usurping our party's candidacy. The rightful heir to the throne, Jeb Bush, is still reeling from these events. Just prior to writing this letter, good old G. W. told me that even after three weeks he still refuses to come out of his bedroom. Jeb apparently has just been watching old debates of his on repeat 24/7, finding a small amount of comfort when he's greeted to even a faint smattering of applause.
The purpose of this letter is to inform you that myself and the Koch brothers have formulated a full proof plan to halt Donald Trump's chances and before anyone asks, no I am not referring to Project Reagan Rebirth. As many of you are aware, two of the three clones ran off and we have no idea where they are. The other one refuses to leave his job waiting tables in Hollywood. He's still convinced that his acting career will take off and that he'll get to reboot "Bedtime for Bonzo."
Yet, I digress.Our concocted solution is to recruit someone who can out do Trump at his own game. Someone who can say and do the things that even Trump can't get away with. We need someone beholden to no one, not even this country. That's why it's time to get behind Vladimir Putin for President. We're not quite sure yet whether he'll run third party or if we'll just kidnap Donald Trump and replace him with a toupéed Putin. We've left it up to the interns to figure out the logistics of it all.
I myself am convinced that even if we couldn't pull off such a swap that we can get the voters behind Putin. If we can hide the fact that Marco Rubio is a malfunctioning android (note: we gotta get him to stop from drinking so much water; it's causing him to short circuit and repeat himself too much) and the fact that Ted Cruz is a giant sculpted sweet potato, we can spin anything.
His story is an inspiring one that could be spun like the quintessential American Dream, we just have to leave out the part where it took place in Soviet Russia. As a child, little Vladdy was born into poverty. But through the perseverance and ingenuity only an KGB agent could possess, he became one of the world's most richest men; he's worth $200 billion (about 500 million potatoes) by some estimates. Sure, he may have secured it through political manipulation, national appropriation and the jailing/assassination of his enemies, but our focus groups say most Trump supporters see his rise to power as a sign of strength and entrepreneurship.
Suddenly Trump's promise to kick out illegal immigrants and build a wall seems like a half measure when Putin is pledging to invade Mexico. The campaign slogan writes itself ("Invade like Ukraine"). In comparison, Putin will make Trump seem like the establishment candidates he's campaigned so hard against. Even if his policies don't sway voters, he could flaunt his super bowl ring to wow voters (shiny objects always work when we need to get Ben Carson to do something). For someone who says he'll "make America win again," Trump has as many super bowl rings as the Buffalo Bills.
This may indeed be our last ditch effort, but I'm liking our chances. Putin has my office bugged so I expect to hear his answer soon. Yep, the usual windowless van just parked out front. After they grab me I'm usually not allowed any phone calls, so I'll let you all know how we will proceed in about a week or so.
Uh... I'm one of the interns, Michael. It's been three weeks and we've had no sign of the boss. All we've gotten are shirtless photos of Putin autographed in gold sharpie. Looks like we're going to have to try and get Romney again.