Ten Absolutely Fool Proof, Guaranteed to Work, Tried and Tested, Mother-Approved Ways to Avoid Paying Those Weasels a Dime: A Concept
by Swamp Witch | published Apr. 1st, 2019
Be Born Rich
Wealth is a choice, and we all make poor decisions. It’s not that rich white dude wearing only Brooks Brothers pants and Vineyard Vines t-shirts' fault that you were born poor — his financial stability may be reinforced by his daddy’s credit card, but he still pays for his own groceries ... using his mother’s card. You can’t be mad at him for having the easy life. Choose to be rich and all your problems will fade away.
Get a Sugar Daddy
Whether you call them glucose guardians, sucrose suppliers or carbohydrate contributors, financial donors can reduce the burden of paying college expenses in exchange for services and activities. From sexual favors to simple dinner dates, the duties associated with being a sugar baby vary. Choose wisely, establish ground rules, practice safety and above all else, know your self-worth. Never settle for less than a hundred a night.
Get Adopted by Your Favorite Professor
Everyone has that one professor that they think of as a parental figure. Why not make that a reality and emancipate yourself from your family and have that professor adopt you? Then you get tuition for free. Plus, you’ll always have a ride to school in the morning, so long as you actually become their child— move in with them and replace any children that they previously had.
Become a Drug Dealer
College is the time to experiment with different career paths. Who says selling cocaine to students who need that quick hit before a long night of studying is bad? If you are afraid to dip your toes into illegal drugs, you can stock up on cold medicine, Advil and other pain killers to sell to students. We all need to numb the pain that comes with knowing you are choosing to put yourself through the hell that is college.
Sell Your Soul to Munchkin
With tuition as costly as it is, you basically already sold your soul to administration, but you could try cutting a deal with Munchkin to eliminate your tuition. As we know, Munchkin sold his soul as a kid to be taller. Now he walks the Quarter Mile as a soulless husk in search of anything to make him feel whole again.
Sell Your Roommate’s Organs
A kidney can sell for three to five thousand on the black market and a heart can fetch a pretty penny on dark web — just don’t click on those pop ups for uranium and sexy Russian women. All you have to do is wake up in the middle of the night and snatch some organs from your sleeping roommate. Don’t worry if they wake up, you can just sell them entirely if they start to scream or protest your business venture.
Have a Tragic Accident
Instead of paying student loans, make RIT pay them for you with a lawsuit. On a windy and snowy night, so any night at RIT, camp out by a crosswalk on campus. When the timing is just right, jump out in front of a shuttle and let the bus hit you just enough to break a few bones. Sue the college for medical bills and claim that you no longer feel safe on campus and force them to pay your tuition.
Fake Your Own Death
For students, death is something that can only happen once — unless you fake it. Faking your own death and collecting that life insurance that your parents hopefully got for you as a child can offset those looming student loans.
Change Your Major and Don’t Graduate
Start as a biology major, and after seven semesters switch to Communications. After another seven, switch to Chemistry, and continue this pattern for the foreseeable future. You may be in school for years on end but by the time it comes to pay the loans you will be so old that you just get to retire and die.
Don’t Go to College
If all else fails, just give up after high school and don’t go to college, stay at home, start an Etsy page and sell homemade baskets and napkin holders.