Secret Life of David C. Munchkin: Dave by Day, The Munchkin Man by Night
by Model of Stress and Anxiety | published Apr. 1st, 2019
Our loving president, David C. Munchkin, is more than what he seems; he is more than our university’s president. According to the Office of the President Propaganda Machine, President Munchkin has a very "crucial" job.
“[Dr. Munchkin] is responsible for one of the nation’s leading creative and innovative universities that leverages the power of technology, the arts and design for the greater good,” the propaganda machine read.
In other words, he is in charge of our university and increasing student tuition every year.
This quote alone sounds like something is up with our beloved university. In fact, it almost seems like the educational opportunities of our university are merely a front.
Do you ever wonder how all the dots on campus disappeared overnight? Or what created the polar vortex, and why the university failed to cancel classes? Where did the bees come from? Each of these has one common denominator: Munchkin.
A witness saw Munchkin at a hockey game in January. Sam Lolly, who would prefer not to disclose his real name for fear of being disintegrated, saw Munchkin sitting with the Corner Crew. According to Lolly, he did not participate in a single chant.
This seemed strange of course, so we looked into it. An insider from the Board of Executives briefed Distorter on the true reason behind this madness. Munchkin was afraid of burning down the university’s precious hockey rink. Seeing as the Gene Polisseni Center is RIT’s pride and joy, Munchkin didn’t want to ruin it. He feared if he got too excited, and participated in chants, his uncontrollable powers would activate and burn the rink down.
What people fail to see is that Munchkin is actually a supervillain. Munchkin is responsible for a great number of RIT’s sufferings, and the university is covering up each incident.
The Weather Machine
The polar vortex is a good showcase of Munchkin's powers. It's common knowledge that our school has a weather machine. After President Wrestler left, our Student Government (SG) president became the new owner of the weather machine. After complaining for weeks that the weather machine had been passed down to the SG president instead of him, Munchkin finally got his hands on it.
It’s my personal opinion that Munchkin has not learned to control the weather machine at this point. Munchkin seems to have created the polar vortex completely on accident, although the Board refuses to comment further on the situation. We do know, however, that they couldn’t close the school for something that Munchkin created. They would have had to claim responsibility for the issue, and they’re attempting to keep Munchkin’s powers under wraps.
One odd thing is that Munchkin succeeds in making the weather sunny and beautiful during orientation, family weekend, student visitation days and open houses. The rest of the year, students suffer with ice and snow.
That being said, the first day of orientation this past fall was extremely rough. It started pouring for the few moments when the freshmen were on the Greek Lawn. Munchkin didn't seem to have any control over the freshmen's first day.
It doesn't add up.
The Dots and the Bees?
Many students have also been confused about how the dots disappeared merely overnight when RIT changed their logo. Munchkin is 100 percent responsible. All he had to do was snap his fingers and the dots disappeared. Munchkin may, in fact, be the spawn of Thanos and Shaggy, themselves.
What about all of the “Bees?” that appeared mysteriously? Well, those were just students — although, as we all know, Munchkin released a colossal amount of live bees on campus. An insider has revealed to us that he did this because he thought that was what we wanted.
“He’s trying to be hip with the kids these days,” the insider said.
"He’s trying to be hip with the kids these days."
Munchkin doesn’t seem to know that “Bees?” is a meme among our generation, which is why he released the massive amount of bees. For someone who doesn’t understand the meme, I guess that makes sense.
Lolly also told Distorter about Munchkin’s dealings with the beekeeping club. Munchkin actually has been providing our university’s beekeeping club with a hyper-aggressive strain of bees. They're found mainly in Global Village and are said to be highly dangerous. Do try to stay away from them if at all possible.
Finally, I think it's important to mention that in Indonesia, the world’s largest bee has recently resurfaced. This discovery is way too close to our bee dilemma to be unrelated. These bees have supposedly been extinct for almost 40 years, and they suddenly exist again merely two months after our bee incident?
We suspect that Munchkin used an immense four percent of his power to bring back these large bees. We should find solace in the fact that he brought them back to satisfy our asking for bees; he was just trying to help.
I would be remiss if I didn't mention the issue of bricks disappearing all around campus. Where are they going? Who is taking them? It’s easy to assume that students are taking them as mementos for their time at RIT. The truth, though, is that Munchkin is building something.
His plans are truly terrifying. Have you ever noticed the “secondary basements” underneath buildings? What could they possibly be used for? Or, maybe you have questioned what they now use the tunnel between academic and dorm side for, and why students have to suffer walking from one end of campus to the other.
It was recently confirmed that Munchkin is the one stealing all the bricks on campus, and he is using these spaces to store the stolen bricks ... and his giant freeze ray.
Munchkin's freeze ray looks like something straight out of "Phineas and Ferb." And he isn't just stopping with a freeze ray; sources also say he is building his own sauna to go with it. His plan is to, supposedly, freeze the whole the tri-state area while remaining warm in his precious sauna. An insider from the Board of Executives claims he is frustrated with his uncontrollable powers and weather machine — so he is creating this freeze ray to finally seize control of the cold.
Munchkin is our university’s supervillain. He is THE supervillain of all supervillains. As the spawn of Thanos and Shaggy, he is all-powerful, and we are at his mercy.