The RIT Football Team's Hazing Problem
by Rob Tecumseh Thomas | published Mar. 31st, 2017
Stunning allegations of hazing by the RIT football team have shocked the RIT sports community. These revelations span decades and involve dozens of victims. While reports of these incidents have been suppressed by various figures and agencies, Distorter has worked tirelessly to attain damning proof of the football team’s hazing problem.
Forced to Phone
According to police reports, new players were forced to ruthlessly phone bank for donations from alumni over a period of 12 hours.
“We even had to call them during dinner,” said first year Squishy Sciences major and running back Rocky “Blocky” Moccasin. “I tried stopping after the fifth person hung up on me, but my teammates made me keep going until I was too tired to speak."
The victims reportedly had blood-alcohol levels as high as five times the legal limit during the incident.
“I was shocked and appalled to hear what our football team put their new players through. I am also pleased to announce that we raised over 300 dollars from RIT alumni from this brutal hazing event,” said RIT Athletics Director Dirk “Kyoung-Min” Kirkman. “While I do not in any way approve of the methods, we really still need to pay off the Polisseni Center.”
An Alcoholic Elector
Further testimony from Moccasin revealed even more extreme incidents of hazing at the hands of RIT’s football team. It has come to light that older players forced new recruits to organize a grassroots political campaign with the goal of unseating New York Governor Andrew Cuomo. First year Money Honey major and running back Jeff “The Mess” Nekmeet was one of the many new players victimized by this act of hazing.
“I don’t know how it happened. I was just doing a sick keg-stand with my bro Doug and I blacked out. When I came to, I was discussing overtaking the governor in the Democratic primaries for the 2018 gubernatorial race,” said Nekmeet.
"I didn't feel like I had a choice."
The players organized a fundraising drive for their campaign all the while hopelessly inebriated.
“The older players just kept egging us on. I didn’t feel like I had a choice,” said Nekmeet. “Apparently I was giving a speech about bringing working class progressive reform to Albany’s political machine when I passed out and had to have my stomach pumped.”
“I am a little less shocked but still absolutely appalled with what happened here,” said Kirkman. “Disciplinary action will be taken. That being said, I am impressed with Democratic candidate Nekmeet’s grasp on tax reform and will be supporting him in New York’s 2018 election.”
A Pseudo Specter
Investigations of this incident gave investigators access to the football team’s archives, uncovering yet another incident of hazing long hidden by the team.
New football players were forced to fake the existence of B’Zorathai, the mythic ape man of Henrietta. This hazing ritual — which began in the early 20th century — involved doctoring photographs, falsifying evidence and orchestrating elaborately choreographed sightings of the malevolent creature to create an atmosphere of terror among the area’s residents.
“They just kept giving me shot after shot,” said class of 1986 Wrenches and Stuff graduate Dale “The Whale” McBail, a former line backer for the football team and a victim of hazing. “Next thing I know, it’s midnight and I’m in costume chanting Latin at a terrified farmer. That’s a fucked up thing to do to an 18 year old. Or a farmer.”
Kirkman was again reached to for comment.
“I am deeply saddened and disappointed at these new allegations. God only knows how many castrated rams I’ve sacrificed to appease the bloody throne of B’Zorathai,” said Kirkman. “But now that this has come to light, the townspeople of Henrietta may rest easy, for they may now reap their harvest in peace.”
The Marvelous Munchkin
Further investigations of the team’s falsified documents, which stretched back decades, revealed a fourth and final hazing incident. At some point in the early 1950s, new players were forced to abduct an infant and raise him as their own. They would then guide him to rise through the ranks of higher education and collegiate bureaucracy to eventually become RIT’s president.
“I think it’s safe to say it went a little too far,” said class of 1955 Pretty Computer Pictures alumnus and quarterback Brock “The Kumquat” Scott.
Scott and fellow hazing victims took shifts posing as parental figures to the stolen infant. While being forced to consume dangerous quantities of alcohol, they guided the kidnapped baby through childhood and adolescence. The team of drunken athletes created a loving and supportive home for the child, all the while instilling the virtues of education and the pursuit of knowledge in him.
“Yeah, we were pretty shitfaced,” said Scott. “I think we named him something like David Munson? No, Bunson. Wait, it was definitely Munchkin. Yeah. Crazy times.”
Once again, Kirkman was reached to for comment.
“I’m not even shocked at this point,” he said. “Does Title IX cover kidnapping?”
"Does Title IX cover kidnapping?"
In response to these devastating allegations and irrefutable testimonies, the RIT administration has acted swiftly and decisively. Members of the football team must now attend a mandatory binge-drinking wellness class to teach them the error of their ways. One can only hope that these measures can end the scourge of athletic hazing once and for all.