Reporter/Fox News Merger Announced!
by INFINITE $ORROW | published Apr. 1st, 2015
When Reporter launched in 1951, it had one goal: to provide staunchly conservative "news" with aggressive, questionable authority. Today, we're proud to announce that we're one step closer to achieving that goal. We can finally unveil something that's been in the works at the Reporter offices for quite some time now: Reporter has (finally) merged with 21st Century Fox.
If there's one thing that the staff at Reporter hates more than journalistic integrity, fact checking and wage equality it's existing as a publicity machine for the vicious, vapid liberal media. Day in and day out, we've been forced to spew out socialist propaganda sent down from Führer Obama's freemason stronghold. Hands shackled to the unbreakable restraints of healthcare reform and celebrity gossip columns, Reporter has been a shamefully gutless institution to work for since Obama's violent coup for the oval office. We've sat idly by for too long while the four horsemen of the liberal apocalypse wreak havoc upon our American ideals and salt the land so that no Wal-Marts can ever be grown again. This merger with 21st Century Fox marks the dawn of a new era of journalism, one guided by the torch of truth and the beacon of Reaganomics. For once, Reporter is going to be a magazine worth being proud of.
21st Century Reporter Fox News Magazine for Liberty and the Protection of Christmas Forward Slash Family Values (or 21CRFNMLPCFSFV, for short) is a journalism outlet for the RIT student who doesn't fall prey to liberal deception tactics like "facts" and "actual, existing data." Such an enormous institutional overhaul is bound to come with some serious changes, and the very foundation of 21CRFNMLPCFSFV is built on real change, not the kind that snake oil peddler in the white house sold you all those years ago. First things first, 21CRFNMLPCFSFV is going to hold a large public burning of every single back issue of Reporter in existence. As long as copies of our old self still remain, our quest toward truth and freedom cannot be fully realized. Every copy of Reporter will be loaded onto a funeral pyre on Lake Ontario and burned at sea. Directly after the ceremony, 21CRFNMLPCFSFV will hold its first annual Tasteful American Celebration event, in which aspiring 21CRFNMLPCFSFV staff writers will get the chance to rub elbows with some of 21st Century Fox's brightest human rights violators. "Triumph of the Will" will also be projected over the festival grounds the entire night.
Each upcoming issue of 21CRFNMLPCFSFV will devote its first 10 pages to praising the legacies of presidents who held office between 1981 and 1989. These "Reagan Pages" will serve to divert attention from the cruel reign of Barack "Actually the Antichrist" Obama and toward some prouder moments in our nation's history. The "Reagan Pages" will feature fun crossword puzzles (every single answer is either "Ronald," "Reagan" or "The answer is Ronald Reagan"), brain teasers ("Which president is the best one? Hint: Ronald Re_gan") and little-known facts about our country's all-time greatest leader. For example, did you know that Ronald Reagan once foretold of "President" "Obama"'s presidency in a spastic fever dream on his death bed? Gripping Nancy Reagan's perfect, delicate hand with his fatherly digits, President Reagan warned of "the firmament splitting open like a spectral bratwurst," "crimson flames cascading from the very heavens," and "-unintelligible nonsense.-" And what do we have now, just as he predicted? Barack Obama. Your move, millennials.
21CRFNMLPCFSFV will also get rid of some of Reporter's more deplorable and misleading sections, and by some of, we mean all of them. In the past, the Features section has displayed a frightening lack of shirtless photos of Glenn Beck, so that will be remedied immediately. Sports has had a tendency to focus on distasteful foreign sports like "ice hockey," which are harmful and dangerous to traditional American family values. Starting with the first issue of 21CRFNMLPCFSFV, the Sports section will be repurposed as the "Shirtless Photos of Glenn Beck" section, the News section will be done away with entirely to create more ad space and Views will be merged with Leisure to create the "Shirtless Photos of Glenn Beck" super-section, complete with a centerfold poster every month.
21CRFNMLPCFSFV is also going to see a complete staff overhaul. Reporter Editor-in-Chief Alyssa Jackson is a world-renown communist sympathizer who starts every day by rolling out of bed and spitting on an American flag for 10 minutes. She is being removed from her position and replaced with a painting of a boat. In addition, the entire editorial staff of the Reporter is being incinerated for treason and replaced with a bag of cheeseburgers. It's these sort of changes that drive the practice of journalism forward, and these are the changes that Reporter has been ignoring for far too long.
The very first thing that popped into our heads the second we signed the merger with 21st Century Fox was "Holy shit, we are going to make so much money."This was almost immediately followed by "No, seriously, you guys, we are going to make a stupid amount of money." After screaming at the top of our lungs and pouring priceless bottles of wine into trash cans for a couple of hours, we calmed down a bit and thought about all the money we were going to make while giggling uncontrollably. Somewhere down the line we probably thought about what this is doing for the current diminishing state of journalism or some boring shit, but who cares about that? 21CRFNMLPCFSFV is the end result of decades worth of awful journalism finally being recognized as something credible and profit-making. The important thing here is that 21CRFNMLPCFSFV is going to make us all millionaires and provide you with the news you can trust from an organization like 21st Century Fox: sensationalist, dictated entirely by corporate money and based on no facts whatsoever.
The way God intended it. The American God. God bless America.