POGCHAMP: A How To

Illustration by I-it's not like I like you or anything b-baka!

HELLO, GAYS AND GAMERS. Pro Strats back at it again with this new entry about one of the biggest concerns of an RIT student: how to be the coolest nerd in the room.

See, the typical academic population is like, totally skewed to the jocks, goths, hots and pots you feel? But in RIT you kind of get all of that while also everyone being like, a total nerd. So it’s not about being the coolest person out of the entire campus. It’s about being the coolest nerd in the entire campus.

So this is like, a totally 100 percent approved Ritchie to the capital R bonafide guide to being the coolest nerd here at the brickest city to ever brick.

The Set Up

First things first, your fit. How’s the composition? Your color palette? Do you wear glasses? All of these are important components to throw away immediately. Being cool isn’t about following those trends in the magazines or in TikToks. Sure, you’ll look nice, but at RIT it’s not about looking nice. It’s about being the raddest fucking nerd!!!

Certified by one of our growing freshman, Oliver Closeoff who majors in Your Mom, with an immersion in simping.

“One of the most revolutionary things I have ever done at RIT, is learning to just not care how other people view me,” said Closeoff.

There’s nothing more sick (read: sick as in the colloquial use of describing something MEGA epic) about an RIT fit just like wearing your oversized branded hoodie from whatever you dug out of your closet, some sweatpants to be practical and hot as hell, as well as some sandals. Because nothing says you don’t give a fuck than some sandals babyyyyy.

If you're feeling daring, a total babe magnet guarantee is rocking the ahegao sweatshirt. No one has EVER looked bad in one of those. Instant popularity magnet.

However, appearances are way more than your physical appearance, bro. It’s also all about your material possessions. Carrying a laptop around campus for your school work? Why stop there? Get a whole RGB light up PC. Complete with a matching light up keyboard with the loudest brown switches you can find. Who needs shitty overhead lights and lamps when your entire computer lights up your room for you? Who needs to wait for a perfect night to take out your date when your PC can light up the sky for you and your sexy significant other.

You may ask, what exactly makes a banging PC that you can show off like the Queen’s royal necklace or whatever. I would then answer to you, you’re failing how to be cool!!! Being cool is either not knowing anything at all or knowing too much, and I have literally no thoughts in my head!

Dixon Butts, a seventh year in Hands-On Pornographic Psychology, offered some advice for those just starting their cool journey.

“Sometimes, all you just gotta do is say, what would my mom not want for me, and then go for that,” Dixon said.

“Sometimes, all you just gotta do is say, what would my mom not want for me, and then go for that.”

Anyway, once you get set up with your fits and your material goods, the next step is having the suave to bring all the dogs to the yard.

Spray It, Don’t Say It

One of the many things we can agree on, is that confidence is the hottest trait to a person. You ever have that Midnight Oil Employee who greets you with a smile — when they know that you know they would absolutely rather be anywhere else behind that counter? But there’s just something about their forced smile, their dark shadows under their eyes. Down to the way they misspell their name. That’s hot.

“Honestly, one of the hottest things I’ve experienced on campus is the sheer distaste of a barista taking my four shot venti with one pump of mocha, no whip and exactly six shakes of cinnamon,” Closeoff said.

“Honestly, one of the hottest things I’ve experienced on campus is the sheer distaste of a barista taking my four shot venti."

So how do you inject that kind of confidence to your everyday life? How do you, figuratively, shoot that shit into your bloodstream? Simple.

First, you gotta do some pre-research ("presearch" as the professionals call it) before any social interaction ever. Always have a fancy book with lots of words no one really understands in the packs of your backs. I highly recommend philosophy books. You can never sound not sexy when you’re talking about philosophy.

Don’t forget that when you get to class, to curb that crippling social anxiety, man. Strike up a conversation with our additional material, a How To book: “How to Curb that Social Anxiety like the POGCHAMP You Are, Dummies 101” with one of our starting lines: “so, uh, the weather am I right?” and watch as your classmate start complaining about the Rochester Winter weather, because yes it is that bad!

“Yeah, I remember at this one party I mentioned the weather and like, I think, and totally got some,” said Closeoff. “Or it might’ve been my huge cleavage, who knows?”

By the by, just hitting you guys with a reminder that this blog was sponsored by, you guessed it, RIT’s Ritchie himself! Don’t forget kids, you’re not Ritchie unless you’re Ritchie!

Anyway, it really goes down to being proud for who you are, because really, you’re the only person who can be you, and that’s something to embrace.

“Honestly, once I really started to embrace myself, and my name, it got easier,” Butts said.

You know what else you can embrace? SMASHING that like and subscribe button down below if you like this content. Check out tomorrow’s blog where I make a literal MONSTER concoction with some Red Bulls, a couple of Adderall pills and maybe some of that SICK Baja Blast from the Taco Bell down the street.

SIGNING OFF,

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