Make RIT Great Again™
by British Salt Meiser | published Apr. 1st, 2019
RIT is transforming, and no, we don’t just mean visually as the world around us is buried in ice or even that set of robotic Michael Bay movies that went on for far too long.
In a never-before-seen effort, RIT is set to become ©Great Again™® under President Munchkin. Not that RIT wasn’t great before, of course — we have always been highly praised for our highly diverse, monoculture engineers and aesthetic building design. But now, we are on course to make RIT great again. Again.
Not ones to shy away from this campaign for greatness, we here at Distorter hashed out an exclusive insider deal to discover the goals of this important mission.
Where better to start than the beating heart of RIT: President Munchkin.
“This is the largest fundraising event in university history, like, ever,” he stated. “We have so much amazing, exceptional talent, and we really just want to grow that. It’s truly great.”
Upon announcing such a marvelous proposal, much of the captivated audience — made up of students forced to attend — were spotted with tears in their eyes. Some have suggested that these tears were in fact from the president’s unmoving smile and blindingly bright orange suit, and not ecstatic joy at the announcement. Such slanderous rumors have since been silenced with threats of no glorious Gracie’s food for a semester.
Munchkin, perhaps more than any president in history, understands the student body and is super relatable.
“We here at RIT understand that students come here because they don’t like greenery. Therefore, I have specially requested additional new buildings be constructed to reduce this environmental eyesore as much as possible,” Munchkin said. He was reportedly spotted sporting his orange jacket while personally lassoing the new structures into place.
Even to his loyal subjects, the goals of this campaign seem ambitious.
"Ambitious?" Munchkin said. "Of course it is! But I don't want our students to worry, we have so much funding for this project! Truly, loads of funding."
"We've diverted a lot of funds for these buildings," he continued. "Understanding how much students enjoy contributing to RIT, I've ensured they can do just that with our steadily-increasing tuition."
One of the buildings currently under construction — featuring a bright orange brick design — is rumored to hold all new science courses to break from the norm. Among those classes includes the eagerly-anticipated Anatomy of a Tiger and, as highly demanded in an administrator-exclusive poll, Brick Laying 100–700. Enormous funding has been allocated to this new program, which will increase our outreach to local communities on the benefit of building brick.
Initiatives such as this have been implemented across campus. Lacy Brick, director of the new Department for Mandatory Greatness, has been involved since the beginning.
Her motto when a project is lacking? "Needs More Brick," a lesson she exemplifies by shipping only the highest quality American™ bricks for walls around the world.
“We love and enforce greatness at RIT,” she declared. “We do what the wind and polar vortices can’t to strengthen our students' resolve.”
According to Brick, her behind-the-scenes work has included brick therapy sessions, turning Ritchie’s frown upside down and upstanding use of financial aid funds.
Despite our prideful duty as students to give RIT all our money, with such a large bill, how do they fund the rest of their campaign? We asked this exact question to President Munchkin.
“Ways,” he responded. “In between my busy schedule posing for photo shoots, I have ensured the campaign's funding continues to grow. I have sent my agents across Rochester and beyond!"
“In between my busy schedule posing for photo shoots, I have ensured the campaign's funding continues to grow."
When asked about specifics, we instead found ourselves enthralled with his plans to bring the Tigers' undefeated football team to nationals this year. The interview ended shortly after.
Since then, fake news has circulated around the student body about "seeing administrators on their hands and knees fishing through rivers and couches for change" and "conducting Ponzi schemes against students on the side." But, of course, there is not one shred of truth to this that Distorter staff could find.
Still seeking answers, we went directly to the financial aid office. After waiting several weeks for our appointment, we finally had what we were looking for.
"Well, in line with recent sustainability efforts on campus, we elected to utilize our underused resources. By reselling our underground storerooms of unused condoms, we found a way to almost fully fund certain sections of this campaign," said Richard Trojan, director of finances. "Seriously, you wouldn't believe the size of those storerooms, like — "
For the sake of
our jobs decency, we had to leave out the rest of this valuable information provided to us.
Either way, funding for the billion-dollar campaign is well underway and going perfectly as planned. Munchkin can't stop touting the brilliance of the billion-dollar plan.
"Wait ... billion? Hold on a second, I said the million-dollar plan, million," Munchkin stammered. "Billion is ridiculous, even for such a multidisciplinary paradise like RIT!"
If students have any concerns with the funding for the billion-dollar plan, please file your complaint with the Department for Mandatory Greatness and they will get back to you within 3–5 business years. Go Tigers!