Life and Love with D. Munchkin

illustration by Morb

Distorter is proud to present the first in a many-part series of columns about dating, sex, love and life, written by RIT’s knowledgeable President David Munchkin.

Dear President Munchkin,

Me and my partner have been together for a few years, and while we’re both very happy, the bedroom has started to get a little boring. Do you have any tips to spice it up a little?


Bland Boyfriend

Dear Bland,

As a man who is stimulated primarily by sizable alumni donations and regularly scheduled reruns of CSPAN, I frankly cannot empathize with your problems. However, my many city-wide culture-understanding tours have prepared me for the prospect of understanding the struggles of others. Innovation is the cornerstone on which this school is built. In this spirit, I underwent a fact-finding tour throughout the greater Rochester region to gather research and find solutions. One especially promising solution was recommended to me by the proprietor of Tony's Adult Meat Slapping Shack, a local institute of lower learning.

With its sleek design and robust engineering, the Vibrapolos 3000 is the ultimate intersection of technology, the arts and design. The introduction of an autonomous element to your sexual intimacy will make your intercourse “spicier” than oatmeal with extra cinnamon. In addition, you could conduct surveys targeted at people the approximate age and demographic of your partner to find what sexually activity resonates with them the most strongly. 

I would also recommend such classic erotic texts as the Kama Sutra's table of contents or E.B White’s "Elements" of Style for inspiration. Go Tigers!

Dear President Munchkin,

I want to become more intimate with my girlfriend, but I’m not very sexually experienced. I'm also terrified at talking to her about this, or talking to girls in general. How can I seem like I know what I’m doing? 


Nervously Clueless

Dear Nervously,

Sexual intercourse is often defined as physical contact between individuals involving penetration. Penetration involves repetitive insertion, often with a cylindrical foreign object. As an engineer, I respect the mechanical nature of the act. Hip slang words that refers to this act include but are not limited to: "getting it on," "makin' it," "wind-tunneling," "conceiving a child" and "flimp-flopping." I hope that this information compensates for your years of celibacy. Go Tigers!

Dear President Munchkin

I’m friends with a couple and they asked me if I would be into having a threesome. I’m intrigued but not totally on board. What do you think?


Third Wheel

Dear Third,

As the 50/50 gender ratio of vanilla heterosexual sex soothes me into a state of quota-reaching calmness, I can't really say I would personally be on board. The only “trains” I would “run” are the ones in my extensive model train collection, and I certainly wouldn’t run them on anyone (they’re antiques).

However, multi-partner evokes the most sensual word in all of the English language: multidisciplinary. Collaboration stimulates creativity and innovation, which is the translation of an idea into a product, service or process that has economic or social value. I don’t see why threesomes would be any different. So were you to go through with this act, I would advise you to establish a committee of innovation outreach to evaluate your performance. Maybe they could watch you with binoculars.  Go Tigers!

Dear President Munchkin,

I’ve just entered a long term relationship, but I have trouble achieving orgasm with my new partner. How can I fix this problem?


Uncomfortably Numb

Dear Uncomfortably,

I would advise that you lie back and think of Austin McChord. Go Tigers!

Dear President Munchkin,

I really, really like my friend but I don’t know if they’re into me. I want to ask but I’m also scared of ruining our friendship. What do I do?


Bashful Admirer

Dear Bashful Admirer,

I would suggest forming a committee tasked with finding the most effective series of non-statements that simultaneously support anything and nothing. When you send a message so resolutely non-committal that it can be interpreted as anything, you can still communicate without taking an actual position. If he reciprocates your affection, congratulations! Proceed forwards freely.

If he doesn’t, deny everything about you expressing your feelings and claim you’re being taken out of context. Then explain that the message was a straight talk approach, weaving in humor along with important facts. Only a week after you’ve irreparably embarrassed yourself, send the object of your unrequited affection a terse apology-DM and pretend your conversation never happened. Go Tigers!

Due to complaints about “ruining sex forever,” Life and Love with D. Munchkin has been cancelled effective immediately.