Killing Two Birds with One Building
by Birdie Mc-Don’t-Fly-Into-a-Building | published Apr. 1st, 2019
Editor’s Note: This article is 100 percent objective and not biased towards the poor, innocent birds whose lives are being smacked away by the evil windows of the not so-magical MAGIC Center.
Ever since the MAGIC Center at RIT was constructed, the Rochester bird population has been declining drastically by means of building murder. Constantly coated in a blanket of feathers and lifeless bird forms, the MAGIC Center has gone from a place intended for creativity and innovation to a murderous, heinous, atrocious, detestable murder weapon of a standing structure.
Windows have been one of the leading causes of bird murder in the world from the moment they made their horrid appearance in a previously safe-for-birds society. These monstrosities are causing an estimated one billion bird murders annually.
Now that this abomination of a building called "MAGIC" — made up of 98.23874 percent see-through glass — exists, the window murder threat has increased by WAY TOO DAMN MUCH.
Meryl Cheep, the grief-stricken wifey bird of a recent MAGIC window victim, shared her thoughts on this absolutely repulsive matter.
“It’s-bad-enough-that-these-buildings-are-being-built-where-my-family-tree-has-been-forever-and-I-had-to-uproot-my-whole-family-literally-and-rebuild-the-nest-but-now-buildings-are-completely-covered-in-these-bullshit-reflective-pieces-of-bird-murder-weapons-My-husband-is-gone-now-because-of-them-How-am-I-supposed-to-move-on-from-this-I-can-barely-think-about-anything-but-how-I-will-never-be-able-to-kiss-my-husband-goodnight-night-again,” Cheep said, while crying over the smashed bird that was once her beloved husband.
Cheep has taken matters into her own feathers and created a petition to remove the building on CawPrints — a petition site for the angry birds of RIT. So far, this petition is the most popular in CawPrints history. But, it still probably won’t do anything worthwhile because even if the petition got like 4,702 signatures or some other crazy amount of the required 200, CawPrints is kind of useless.
“We-have-a-whole-four-signatures-this-is-ridiculous-I-don’t-know-why-we-even-have-this-stupid-site-if-nothing-ever-gets-done,” Cheep said, her feathers turning a bright shade of cherry red as she filled with rage. “I’m-taking-this-fight-directly-to-Munchkin-because-something-has-to-be-done-Windows-specifically-the-MAGIC-Center-windows-are-the-worst-thing-to-happen-to-our-species-since-cats-decided-that-we-make-good-play-toys.”
When asked about the loss of bird lives, right-wing President Munchkin had only one thing to say — and didn’t even let PR stomp on his response with their own fluffy word vomit.
“Good, I hope the birds fly to their deaths. They're taking up space in the trees around campus that we want to knock down to build another alumni house — you know, for our precious alumni who we care about more than our students. Because they give us lots of money, even though our current students will someday be alumni,” Munchkin said. “The birds stand in my way of making RIT great again. We're gonna continue to build these window-covered buildings, and make the birds pay for it with their lives."
The birds aren’t going to fly for this nonsense though.
“He-says-he-promotes-equality-for-all-but-what-about-the-birds?” Stephen Squawking, a renowned bird scholar and #BirdLivesMatter activist, questioned. "We-thought-at-first-that-Munchkin-would-be-sympathetic-seeing-how-his-legs-are-like-the-length-of-our-tree-homes-but-clearly-he-cares-only-about-his-own-twiggy-limbs."
Cheep muttered under her breath, "I-hope-his-twigs-snap-in-half."