Interim Senior VP of Student Affairs Cracks Down on Student Affairs
by Joe Mahmah | published Sep. 15th, 2014
“Student affairs really got out of hand these past couple of years,” Interim Senior Vice President of Student Affairs Dr. Rolls Royce-Barshee explained. “I remember when we had only 10 or 20 [student affairs activities] per year. Now it seems like we have closer to 17,000.”
He said it was partially the fault of his own agency. “In retrospect, handing out free condoms to freshmen at the beginning of the year was …… actively detrimental to our cause of lowering the worrisome rate of [student affairs].”
Standing outside Gleason hovel’s thatch-wall, Center for Residence Life Director Mavis Baglaw explained the Condom Initiative. “We want to keep the student body distracted, so they’re not going out [fornicating with] every human they see.” He went on to explain that he and the rest of the Res Life team had thought they were handing out “lovely little round individually packaged banana-flavored candies” and not at all the very tools of “purity destruction” Baglaw said his office generally tried to exorcise.
“We do our best,” he said, “with frequent RA room-raids, placing as few people in singles as possible, and mandatory abstinence indoctrination video lessons. But sometimes, it can be hard to fight the unstoppable tide of student affairs on this campus.”
Distorter wanted to know how well these policies were working. We obtained an interview with an anonymous student. “Yes, my name’s Sarah Ford,” said the third year Public Relations student, “But I don’t want anyone to know that.”
The anonymous student, who lives in Riverhole 895B, explained her personal experience with Student Affairs. “I have a boyfriend,” she said, “but that doesn’t stop me from having affairs.” She clarified as we changed positions on her twin bed.
When asked whether she felt that Student Affairs had had any impact on her affairs, she said she had found it only minimally effective. “Sure, I go to all the events they host. But I still find plenty of time to have affairs.” She started pulling her pants on. “That was fun,” she said, “but I’ve got to get to the [Center for Religious Life]. They’ve got a spaghetti dinner tonight!”
In 2006, the female/male ratio at RIT was 3:7. Just one year later, it had moved up to 4:6, but the engineering classes were still 1:5. Each year, President Wrestler pushes us closer and closer to an equal ratio, and each year the struggle to combat Student Affairs becomes more difficult.
With the rise of ratio equality and sex- and orientation-positive initiatives from the Center for Women and Gender, RIT is quickly becoming one of the biggest hotspots for student affairs nationally. In 2004, the Princeton Review rated RIT as the least likely place to have sex, period. But only ten years later, we’ve moved all the way up to spot number 86 on their list of “100 best colleges to find a fuckbuddy you’ll never tell your significant other about.”
The most telling statistic may be the drop in attendance at Royce-Barshee’s anti-student-affairs events. While nine thousand students packed into Ingle Auditorium for I Heart Female Orgasm earlier this year, two students were busying themselves at the Abstinence Belt Giveaway at the Red Barn. “Honestly,” said first year Softbread Engineering major Tom McManson, “I was just there for free climb. I already had two boyfriends at the time. Don’t tell them, though!”
Besides the sub-optimally attended Abstinence Belt Giveaway, the division for Student Affairs always has events going on around campus. “It’s our way of making sure students are too busy to be having sex,” Royce-Barshee explained, echoing Baglaw’s assessment. “We have FreezeFest, ThawFest, SecondFreezeFest, SummerFest, BlizzardFest - all in one week!”
Other busying activities include Sentinel Worship, wherein students are mandated [editors note: typo - should read “strongly encouraged”] to bow in front of the Most Holy Hunk Of Shit (MHHOS) for four to six hours a day. As a major student organization, Distorter was forced to [decided to --ed.] attend. “We listen,” said reverend and second year Cultist major Robert Paulson, “and the MHHOS speaks. The MHHOS speaks, and we obey. We obey, and Pi Quad falls.” The crowd chanted in unison: “So speaketh the sentinel.” At this point, Paulson was elbowed by Royce-Barshee, standing nearby. “Also, the sentinel says don’t have extrarelational sex.”
In summation, the division for Student Affairs is moving (more or less) as one, with a singular goal: to wipe out student affairs on campus. Royce-Barshee said it best:
“Stop [not] having sex outside your relationships. Say yes to [a lack of] abstinence. Hey! Stop ...quoting me! Distorter is [really just the best publication]! Get out of my office! Security! [Get this journalist another milkshake.]”