Guide to Exhibitionism on Campus
by Royal T | published Apr. 1st, 2019
RIT is an enormous campus — roughly 1,300 acres. Some would say it’s almost too big. It’s stuffed with long brick buildings, moist swamps and girthy forests, creating the perfect cornucopia of discreet hiding spots to screw around in. If you need a bit of spice and adventure in your sex life, consider becoming an exhibitionist.
An exhibitionist is a person who is sexually pleasured by being watched, so this kink usually results in public sex. If you're considering exploring this kink, RIT's 18,000 students are an untapped potential of spectators to your sexual fantasies. However, this kind of sex isn't just for the adrenaline rush and cum shots. Camelia Winter, second year graduate student in Alien and Cryptid Sciences, said that exhibitionism saved her marriage.
“I’m working on my thesis paper on Big Foot and started spending more time away from the house. My husband was getting lonely. Now we just do it whenever we see each other: my lab, on the counter by the coffee machine, the Polisseni parking lot — it’s great! I love finally being the one on the other side of the binoculars,” Winter said.
Exhibitionism isn’t an easy hobby to get into. The Reckless Sexual Kinks and Fantasies Organization reports that 69 percent of adults want to have public sex, but only five percent attempt it. That’s barely the tip! So, Distorter pulled together a foolproof guide to having public sex on RIT's campus.
Sol’s Laundromat — “The Stain Maker”
This one is perfect for beginners. Take all your clean laundry and spread it on the floor. Proceed to do the nasty on top. Make it a contest. Whoever makes the hardest-to-remove stains wins! For best results, put the white loads on top.
The Sentinel — “Ridin’ the Copper Horse”
This one is definitely not for the faint of heart. Climb to the top of the Sentinel statue. Ride yourself or your partner until you orgasm so hard that you actually fucking see the cowboy on a horse that the statue is supposed to be. Beware of thunderstorms, freezing rainstorms, wind storms, blizzards and birds when attempting this feat.
Java’s Bathroom — “Blind Shot”
This one never lasts long. Do a quickie in the Java's bathroom with the lights off, but you have to finish with a double cumshot. Remember to bring your Java’s Cum Card. Ten punches gets you a free drink with whip.
RIT Archive Collections (Third Floor of Wallace Library) — “Dirty Duster”
Check out random, dusty boxes of artifacts in the archive office. Proceed to spank your partner with the priceless and irreplaceable archive collections. Once all the dust has been removed from the papers and evenly spread across your lover's cheeks, proceed to doggy style until the dust is back on the boxes. But stay quiet and courteous — you’re in the library.
Reporter Editor in Chief Office — “The Fryer”
Lock yourself in the Editor in Chief's office and have a nonstop sex-marathon until your brain is fried and used condoms and empty lube bottles litter the entire floor. Don’t even worry about cleanup. We promise that he’s 100 percent cool with it. The new Editor in Chief ... even more so.
Tiger Statue — “Tooth and Claws”
A perfect sex escapade for the dominatrix community. What better way to assert your sexual aggression and thirst for power than riding a metal tiger? The sex position is simple. Grind the Tiger statue to orgasm. That’s it! Biting and scratching the actual metal statue is optional.
Campus Center Waterfall — “Ophelia's Revenge”
This one is a blast. Hold your breath and masturbate underwater in the fountain. Sit up as necessary to take small breaths. If someone walks by, recite Ophelia's last monologue “Pray let's have no words of this” from "Hamlet" while making excruciatingly awkward eye contact.
Magic Sound Studio — “Silent Screamer”
This is great for exhibitionists who like to be seen, but not heard. Find the loudest screamer you can and fuck them against the glass. Bonus: If you can get the screamer to scream so loud that they're heard through the sound proof walls, you win! But no mess on the equipment please. The School of Film and Animation doesn't hesitate to cut fingers off.
Board of Trustees Conference Room (Louise Slaughter building) — “Mid-Life Crisis”
Find a wealthy sugar daddy and proceed to have intercourse on top of your paid tuition bills. Preferable if it’s done during an actual Board of Trustees meeting. If not, leave a graphically detailed note about your experience. They won’t mind since they’re experts at fucking students over.
Gracie’s Conveyer Belt — “Sloppy Servings”
If you enjoy sloppy seconds then you’ll love this. Go to Gracie’s during the dinner rush and eat each other out on top of the dirty dishes of the conveyor belt. It’ll be the best tasting use of all those fucking Gracie's swipes. Just remember to keep it messy.
Golisano 3D Printing Lab — “Terminator Sperm Delayer”
This requires knowledge of computers and all that science-y stuff. You'll also need a ton of patience because you’ll have to 3D print a hand which takes a gazillion hours. But once the hand is completed, program its fingers to wrap around your member and squeeze very tightly, forbidding any orgasm. See how long you last! If your dick gets stuck in the robotic hand, you might want to find a hospital or a buzzsaw.
Gleason Bus Stop — “Blue Ball Banger”
Perfect if you’re bored waiting on the Late Evening Eastside bus for hours every night. Strip nude and do it on the bench in the bus stop. The goal is to finish before the heat lamps turn off. Not recommended during extreme weather, like that Polar Vortex bullshit.
Follow this guide and you are 100,000 percent guaranteed to have mind-blowing orgasms all over these bricks. Students all over RIT agree.
“I did all this shit in one week. It was a blast. I got caught a few times by Public Safety but it was totally worth it,” said Brad Chadwick, a recently expelled fourth year in Extreme Frisbee Logistics.
Disclaimer: “Guide to Exhibitionism on Campus” does not guarantee a mind-blowing orgasm or any form of sexual enjoyment from exhibitionism. Public sex is a serious crime. Students caught engaging in public sex risk being charged with indecent exposure, lewd acts and other crimes, including further RIT penalties like expulsion. All students in this piece were interviewed from jail. The sex positions suggested are extremely dangerous and irresponsible to attempt. Distorter is not responsible for any arrests or injuries if someone is actually dumb enough to try this shit. Like seriously, how insane do you have to be to scale a seven story sculpture just to fuck? It’s also unsanitary. Bedrooms exist for a reason. If you want to get kinky, try some new toys, or role-playing, or some other shit. And fucking in Gracie’s??? Way to make the nastiest place on campus even nastier. Yikes!
Orgasmic results may vary.