Ditch the Gym, Keep the Burn
by Swamp E. Bottom | published Apr. 2nd, 2018
Anybody who's ever walked past the field house around 7 p.m. is sure to catch a glimpse of the gym rats after dinner rush. One glance in the window from the quarter mile reveals a mass of sweaty, bulging biceps and a rainbow array of sticky-looking spandex busily picking things up and putting them down.
Why go through all that effort with complicated machines and heavy dumbbells, or endure the stench of crotch sweat and stale cooking grease for hours every night? If you're after that shredded summer beach body, don't be a gym rat — there are far easier ways to get a burn. Here are some of our favorites.
Next time you're playing your favorite shooter, imagine yourself in the shoes of the character you're controlling. Feel what it's like for Sgt Musclequads to sprint up a 200-meter hill while dual wielding AK-47s and wearing a pack containing a BAR machine gun, six frag grenades, a machete and a fully loaded rocket launcher. Don't forget to breathe. Sgt Musclequads might have infinite stamina, but you don't — yet.
Standing Planks
For you longboarders: Stand straight up on your board while you ride, making sure to keep your core tight. Hold as long as you can — slouching is cool, but so are shredded abs.
Mindfulness Meditation
Make yourself comfortable in a cross-legged position on a mat or cushion. Take a deep breath and channel your chakra into the image of pure fitness. This process is best done in spandex — tight clothing contains your spiritual diaspora, helping you focus.
Looking for the next level of intensity? With a little imagination and some cheap hairspray, your teddy bear can help you bring that steamy Mindy Magdalene scene to life.
ISOmetrics
Here's an exercise for the activist type — and by activity, we mean the political kind. Find a person of opposite political conviction. Ask this person to tell you why you should vote for their party, then listen politely. You will need to clench every fiber of your body to refrain from slapping your workout buddy. Isometrics like this produce a great burn, so be prepared to be sore, especially in the buttocks area.
Human Furnace
Trade your gum for ice cubes. Munching on ice cubes lowers your core body temperature, which means your body will automatically start burning calories to warm you up. Zero effort required, and you stay hydrated.
Chauvinist Heckling
If you just can't motivate yourself to start running again, try this: attend an RIT women's rugby match and loudly assert that only men can be real ruggers. You'll quickly learn what mortal fear can do for your mile time — if you make it that far.
Lazy River
Swim against the current in the Judson-Hale lazy river. Bonus — this is a perfect opportunity to impress that cute lifeguard with your flawless doggy paddle form.
Power Pose
This one is so simple a statue could do it. In fact, they do it literally 24/7 — that's why they've got such chiseled abs. Choose a spot where you are not likely to be disturbed, preferably in a sunny square like the Infinity or Pi quads. Strike a pose. If you can hold it until a bird poops on you, you're guaranteed results.
Low Calorie Tanning
A little-known fact about sunbathing is that it literally bakes your skin. Baked potato chips contain 30 percent fewer calories, therefore so will you.