Developer Builds Swamp on New York's Largest Brick Deposit
by Swamp E. Bottom | published Apr. 2nd, 2018
An experiment gone wrong in a Gosnell laboratory produced documents that appear to be from the year 2058. The following is an article found in a futuristic edition of Reporter.
Troll Chieftain De-Velopment (TCD) made headlines last summer when they announced plans to construct a new swamp habitat on the former grounds of RIT in partnership with the Syracuse-based Fanciful Arts Revival Commission and Exposition (FARCE). The 1,300 acre parcel, previously dismissed as an irredeemably large deposit of bricks, is the site of the new FARCE sponsored Rochester Institute of Postapocalyptic Performance (RIPP).
After radioactive fallout from the OOPS (Orchestrated by Overbearing Presidential Shitheads) event of 2018 removed humans as a factor in the continental United States, historically oppressed non-human species like zombies, ogres, fairies and trolls quickly emerged from their hiding places to begin rebuilding from the ashes. As can be imagined after so many years of oppression, there's an enormous population of young mythological creatures now entering the higher education market. FARCE hopes that RIPP will fill a niche for members of fairy-tale youth seeking training in the performing arts – a generation that will create a rebirth of fanciful culture in the absence of humans.
“Our performing arts curriculum will be second to none. We'll be offering one of the post-apocalyptic world's only degrees in Ogre bloodchants, and even a Master's in the highly obscure art of nose-goblin ballet,” crowed Dr. David Munchkin, the newly hired zombie president of RIPP.
Despite Munchkin's confidence, critics have hailed the proposed location of the institute as folly, citing the existence of large expanses of impermeable surfaces. High concentrations of durable human structures also pose a formidable challenge to de-velopment into a suitable swamp habitat.
TCD frontman Toby Jam agrees, but is unfazed. He says FARCE has no intention of completely renovating the site. Jam claims the proposed venue will appeal to upwardly mobile youth, particularly the ogre and swamp-thing population.
“These kids have been forced to hide in swamps all their lives. They don't want to go to school in a place that looks just like their hometowns. By renovating the former site of RIT we'll be delivering them the cutting edge of lifestyle fashion,” Jam said.
Jam's sweeping proposal plans to cut demolition costs for the unsalvageable portions of the site by converting the western end of Brick City, formerly known as Global Village, into Global Pillage: a limited time only Apocalypse Park. Guest passes will include access to weapons, torches and a small quantity of explosives imported from a former New York City armory. Raids will be staged on a set schedule each day.
In contrast, rather than demolishing Brick City's dorm side tunnels, TCD will flood them. This will provide habitat designed to attract sewer gators from New York City interested in the School of Predatory Arts' Interpretive Death-Rolling degree. The Wiedman Fitness Center will also get a hip re-boot as the Swamp Ass-Kicking Workout Center, to appeal to the younger crowd.
“My wife Cindy came up with that one,” Jam said proudly.
As the final touch, the contractors will be pumping the scent of sulfur and stale cooking grease through all of the academic buildings' vents to ensure that the new students feel at home in the unfamiliar indoor atmosphere. Jam cites the former GCCIS grounds as the sole exception in the air quality improvement plan.