The Clash of Colleges

by Denice? | published Apr. 1st, 2019

Illustration by Mom

The time has come. The colleges at RIT must battle each other to the death. The sole victor will receive the rare and never-before-seen gift of school funding.

The game will begin when the final brick drops, and the faint and far cry of an overworked student will fill the windy corridors of campus.

Will you be the victor? Choose your character wisely.

KGCOE — Kate Gleason Character of Engineering

Skills:

Handy skills — can create anything like a robot army, photon blasters and spaceships to get the hell out of the game.
Need extra help? Can contact aliens with satellites. Get a cool alien army.
Good with engineering chemicals. Whip up batches of Harry Potter type shit. Shapeshifting, invisibility — you got it!

Weakness:

Poor communication skills — hella introverted. If you do contact aliens, you don't know what to say to them.
In rare chance of communication, they interrupt other players with “actually,” every other sentence to show knowledge. Peeps will just stop taking to you.
Hard to procreate to survive. Just a bunch of nerdy guys. And one girl.

CAD — Character of Art and Design

Skills:

High knowledge of human body and their weak points from hours of naked figure and medical drawing.
Unique killing methods. High art skills = convincing illusions. Draw a tunnel on side of a wall and watch others drive straight into a brick wall.
Underestimated. Access shields to make the character appear like they ain't doing shit, but while planning a super extra murder.

Weaknesses:

Two heads that constantly clash. One is a pretentious hipster and the other is an Anime nerd.
Cannot travel far. Glitch in the game stops them from leaving labs of James E. Booth and Frank E. Gannett.
Somehow get outdoors? Will die automatically from burns when exposed to light — bodies only accustomed to dark and dingy basements.

CET – Character of Engineering Technology

Skills:

Unlock MEGA ATTACK DEATH MODE, for instant kill when anyone litters.
Manufacture new weapons and supplies. Access to all best technology and are good traders.
Really good at creating packages. Do with this skill what you will. No one really understands it, but you got it ...

Weaknesses:

Low motivation. Know all ways humans are screwed via the environment. Why try to stay alive now?
Two personalities. Manufacturing side creates waste, environmental side is like "hell nah." Just yells at themselves every time they use manufacturing skill.
Packaging science? I don’t know man. Could be a weakness too.

GIS — Golisano Individual for Sustainability

Skills:

World’s resources run out after the game starts? They don't break a sweat. Already built sustainable base.
Team population rises quickly from sustainability. Large "army" as you start a new and better world.
High motivation, unlike Character of Engineering Technology. War: just another way to better environment through natural selection.

Weaknesses:

Terrible at defending themselves. Know how to prosper, not how to fight.
Too busy researching and building to notice other players coming to kill — hella bad awareness.
Basically, doesn't really understand the premise of the game — like that naked character running around Battle Royale games with just a brick.

GCCIS — B. Thomas Golisano Character of Computer and Information Sciences

Strengths:

Game designer. Knows ins and outs of the game. Think of game maker in Hunger Games, but you somehow are in the game too.
Knows who every player is, their weakness and strengths and their location, thanks to high skills in hacking.
When caught, other players spare your life because they always want you to fix their laptop.

Weaknesses:

Bad social skills. Will run in opposite direction of combat, rendering location skills useless.
Spends all their time in front of a computer, so shit self-care. Can be tracked by terrible hygiene stench trail.
Terrible eyesight from staring at screens all day, but the only way you can survive the game is by staring at screens all day — so good luck.

CHST — Character of Health Sciences and Technology

Skills:

High health, so harder to kill. Can tend to wounds with large amount of health supplies.
Good stamina. Works out daily and can train others — super speed, super strength, hell yah!
Knows how the mind works. Can use psychology skills to mess with other player’s heads.

Weaknesses:

Little too worried about health. Can only eat healthy foods. Instantly die of explosive diarrhea when subjected to anything artificial.
All took Hippocratic oath, so technically can’t kill anyone as it would be unethical.
Always has to be sterile. When against opponent (still can't even kill them) you must go through proper sterilization. Others will just kill you when you're washing your hands.

COLA — Character of Liberal Arts

Skills:

Wait, Coke or Pepsi? I’m guessing Coke because Pepsi’s a bitch.
A yummy bubbly beverage of caramel brown color. Made of caffeine and chemicals filled with love.
Everyone is addicted to this carbonated beverage.

Weakness:

This tasty drink has been missing for a while now. If you ever see a Character of Liberal Arts around campus, please call 1-800-FUCKPEPSI. We are very concerned.
Fuck Pepsi.
Fuck Pepsi.

SCB — Saunders Character of Business

Skills:

Comes with snazzy suit and tie that gives protection to wearer.
Gets a whole staff. Don’t need to get down and dirty. A hit man, a maid and a butler will all be by your side.
Has plenty of daddy’s money to keep them alive by buying some weapons and supplies. Of course you won't use that stuff, it’s for your staff.

Weaknesses:

Cannot stop screaming, “Do you know who my father is?” which constantly reveals location and makes you a more enticing target.
Cannot survive a world lower than five stars. Once the game starts, you're screwed in the post-apocalyptic world.
All business players constantly backstab each other when trying to climb corporate ladder they created two seconds into the game. Will eventually be killed by own team, if another player can’t get to you first.

NTID — National Technical Individual for the Deaf

Skills:

Really hard to find. Communicates in sign language — good at not making a sound.
Team first at RIT. You and campus have a bond like no other. The bricks help you, and you help the bricks — become one, start a family together, die in each other's arms.
Other senses heightened to extreme levels. Can develop x-ray vision and walk through walls.

Weaknesses:

Becomes so hard to find, eventually can't even find others on your team ... or even yourself anymore. Deep stuff.
Sign language abilities also heighten. Start to communicate on a different level of consciousness than other players. Can only communicate within your group, if you can even find them. No alliances, trades or eavesdropping on other teams.
Abilities will eventually heighten so much, will become something so advanced they cease to exist. Become everything, yet nothing.

COS — Character of Science

Skills:

Advanced biology skills. Can start biological war by spreading illnesses, viruses and bacteria.
Can perform science experiments on others, basically making their own zombie army.
Have no actual body. Just made up of a pair of goggles, a lab coat and some latex gloves. Confuses other players when they try to kill bodiless being.

Weaknesses:

Constantly exposed to weird chemicals that make them crazy. Becomes mad scientist. Hard to do anything other than laugh maniacally.
Constantly performing chemical experiments, with 60 percent of them resulting in explosion or other life threatening results.
Socially inept and always stressed. A danger to others, but also to themselves. Think Sheldon from "Big Bang Theory" — ride solo unless you can find others who will put up with you.

SOIS — Someone of Individualized Study

Skills:

An innovator. Can become whatever they want.
They can develop any three skills from the other characters.
Throughout the game, these skills will become unique to the character. Watch them grow, like raising a child — a pure and special experience. Then, watch the terror and sadness in their eyes as they battle others ... and probably die.

Weaknesses:

Can also inherit any three weaknesses from other players.
Weaknesses maximize three times higher every time you kill.
Ha, you thought this player was gonna make the game easy to win. This is RIT, nothing is easy.