Campus Computer Problems Caused by Lone ITS Worker's Death

Photo by Anita Knapp

It's no secret that in the past few months the technology problems on RIT's Henrietta campus have gone from bad to worse. While it has oft been joked that the technology on campus has always been lacking for a self-proclaimed technology school, the previous issues were explained away by the hilarious incompetence that seems pervasive in college administrations.

In the last few weeks, the problems have escalated to hilarious proportions. The campus was left in disarray on March 1, 2018 when all of the printers stopped working, printing only pictures of large breasts and feet. During the week of spring break, students were flooded with emails from RIT Message Center offering to help them find sexy singles in the area. On March 19, phones across campus were ringing off the hook. The calls were being made by pedicure services across the country regarding appointments no one seemed to remember making. On March 22 around 8 p.m. all of the computers in the NRH lab began showing foot fetish porn.

While the Distorter crew found the chaos laughable, the extreme nature of the issue finally prompted staff to investigate what, exactly, the Information and Technology Services (ITS) department was actually doing. Upon cracking open the door hidden away in the Gannett building, of all places, the team was met with a cloud of dust. After the dust settled and the coughing subsided, the team was shocked to discover a decaying corpse in front of a computer playing podophilic pornography on a loop.

No other persons were found in the office. The ITS staff directory claims that dozens of people work for the department, although close investigation of the photographs reveal some concerning trends. Unlike staff photographs for other campus departments, the portrait backgrounds were non-uniform and the expressions ranged from silly to somber. Some photographs were even duplicated or replaced with the ITS logo. 

With the use of some expert sleuthing and reverse image searching, the team discovered that most of these photos had been lifted from the internet, although we managed to track down one of the subjects. 

"I remember getting it taken, the guy was real shifty. Wouldn't tell me what the picture was for but he paid a pretty penny," said Will U. Jackmeov.

And a pretty penny the corpse had, too. It appears that the dead man's name was Dick Ring, and he had been posing as the entire ITS department, and collecting all of their salaries.

With only one person operating an entire campus' ITS department, it is now clear why a technology school had such a lacking support system. With Ring's mysterious post-ejaculation death, the campus was left undefended from virus attacks launched through the porn website Ring was using on his administrative account.

The campus was left undefended from virus attacks launched through the porn website Ring was using on his administrative account.

When asked about the situation, President Munchkin sighed and looked forlornly in the distance, muttering under his breath about someday catching a break. Finally, he turned to a nearby student with a laptop.

"Here, this is the new ITS guy, he'll figure it out," Munchkin said.

The girl responded that she was a first year biology major and didn't know much about computers.

"That's alright kid, I'm sure you'll figure it out," Munchkin said, briskly leaving his seat to attend to other matters.

Laura Jass, the new ITS director, looked fearful as she explained what she was going to do about the foot fetish virus running rampant.

"A virus? We could try an antibiotic."

Jass failed her biology midterm later that day, but is now settling into her role as ITS director.