Bye-Bye Ritchie — The Election of a New RIT Mascot
by The Only Opinion that Matters | published Apr. 8th, 2021
RIT has a lot of problems. You know it, I know it. It’s no secret. While we can’t fix every problem this
prison college has, we can start from the top. That’s right — replacing Ritchie.
Ritchie is old. He's outdated and doesn’t correctly represent the student body at RIT, and as such, must be replaced. When I was first tasked with creating a campaign for four potential new mascots, my mind went to the first thing I associated with RIT — a brick. However, as many of you may know, RIT decided to rein in that meme right away and literally created “Bricky.”
Having been revoked of my rights to use a brick as a mascot, I chose the other four most obvious candidates: Waluigi, a single Salsarita’s tortilla chip (appropriately named “Chip”), a zombie (“Zombie”), and a man that wears shorts and flip flops in 20-degree weather (that’s his full name and he will be referred to as such). The pros and cons to each candidate are listed below. Happy voting!
I’m going to be honest, the person that assigned me this article told me that Waluigi was non-negotiable. At first, I was unsure, but after researching more, I understood.
- Handlebar mustache — A must have in any candidate.
- Rival to Luigi — Fuck Luigi.
- “Wah” — This is the perfect catchphrase for any person in any moment, and you can quote me on that.
- No friends (except for maybe Wario) — If elected, Waluigi wouldn’t need friends. They would disappoint him and simply get in the way of his performance in the role.
- It doesn’t make sense for RIT — Shut up. None of this makes sense.
- His nose — I get this one. His nose is off-putting.
- He’s untrustworthy and is a compulsive liar — RIT doesn’t need another scandal on its hands.
- Potential copyright issues — This is self-explanatory.
This idea came to me in a bout of hunger. I have since ordered Mexican food — it’s on its way and all is well. If my Grubhub driver is reading this, you’re doing God’s work.
- Makes sense for RIT — I’m hoping that everyone reading this has dined at Salsarita’s at least once in your life. That shit is God-tier for RIT standards.
- Goes great with queso — Like a handlebar mustache, the ability to pair well with cheesy goodness is a must-have. This is non-negotiable.
- Delicious — Chip’s flavor is what sets it apart from any other candidate. Which would you rather eat: Waluigi, a chip, a zombie or a poorly dressed man? Hint: If you answered anything other than “a chip,” I recommend you see a psychiatrist.
- Crunch-factor — Who wants a chewy mascot? I don’t. Crunchy for the win.
- Fragile — Chip is not a mascot that will remain cool under pressure. Given its stature, it will likely crack at the first sign of stress.
- Can get caught in your throat if you don’t take small enough bites — This is a serious issue.
- Very small — It might get lost.
- Doesn’t do well outside of a bag — A mascot must be able to walk around campus and talk to the students. Chip will inevitably get stale.
When it comes down to it, we all know that a zombie is weaker than a human. They’re slow, you can kill them by simply cutting off their heads, they’re fragile. However, don’t we all feel more like zombies nowadays?
- A great photo-op — Zombies don’t walk very fast, so you’ll always have a photo opportunity with them. It literally can’t run away from you.
- Can’t speak — Zombies are dead, so they can’t speak. Humans often have a lot to say, even when they’re opinions are unwarranted. You’ll never get that from Zombie.
- An ally — When the inevitable zombie apocalypse occurs, we’ll all have an ally in Zombie.
- Dead — Having a dead mascot probably isn’t a great look for this campus.
- Indistinguishable from the students — We all look dead. We’re all walking with limps. The light has left all of our eyes. How will we know who is the mascot?
- Might kill you — I understand that this sucks, there’s no doubt about that. But is it a risk worth taking?
A Man That Wears Shorts and Flip-Flops in 20-Degree Weather
This is a classic RIT specimen. We all know this man. Even though we may not like him, there’s a sense of familiarity about him that brings us comfort in these trying times.
- Big dick energy — Being able to walk in the snow in little to no clothing is undeniably powerful.
- Cannot get cold — The inability to feel cold is a huge benefit, especially in these Rochester winters. He might get frostbite, but he’ll be cool about it.
- Entertaining — This man is always fun to see on campus. He’ll bring tidings of joy and laughter.
- Horrible fashion sense — What are you doing? Making a statement? I have to be honest; I don’t understand the statement.
- Visible feet — This is self-explanatory. Cover your toes, bro.
- Likely will not last long — This man, regardless of his confidence, will get frostbite. He will inevitably die. Are we willing to take a gamble on how long we have him for? Only you can answer this.
The Bottom Line
Each candidate has their faults — we know. They were selected for this very reason. RIT is not perfect, and it never will be, so a perfect mascot wouldn’t be very fitting for us. I’d love to elect Nancy Munson as much as the next person, but she’s too pure for the role.
*Important Note: There is absolutely no write-in option for this election. We don’t care that much about your opinions and will ultimately be selecting whoever we deem fit for the role. Also, RIP Ritchie.