Atrocity of the Balloon Monstrosity
by Assistant to Shuri | published Apr. 2nd, 2018
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a ten-story tall mutant tiger balloon that is a crime against all that is good and holy. The University Council of Doom voted in secret ballot last semester to approve these abominations of nature. In the controversial proposal, the administration claimed the “unique” design would provide much needed publicity to RIT. A staff member who wishes to remain anonymous privately shared their experience.
“President Munchkin has gone mad. I heard him speaking in tongues and praying to the balloon tiger,” Anonymous said.
Whether the giant balloon tiger is for publicity or a part of a underground ritualistic cult is nobody’s business. The much more exciting story is about all the science, math and thousands of tons of latex to make this modern spectacle of balloon engineering.
Despite the protests from the College of Sustainability, Gordon Field House was leveled in order to build the production factory. Inside are the finest thingamabobs, doohickeys and sciency stuff used to manufacture the hazardous plastic polychloroprene chemicals for the balloon. There’s also this big-ass drill that mines natural gas deposits from the swampland preserves. The estimated cost for the machinery, labor and materials was well over budget at $364 million. The accounting department claims the costs have already been accounted for, and the massive purchase will be easily offset by raising tuition costs for students by a mere 15 percent.
“Yes, it’s an expensive project but we gave the students what they wanted … balloons,” RIT’s executive accountant Hugh Dumfunck said.
The giant balloon tiger, formally named The Tiger God of Destruction, will be showcased at Imagine RIT.