App Review: Fisher
by Cunt Blacula | published Apr. 1st, 2015
Hello to my loyal followers! Cunt Blacula here with another rave review of an amazing product. I know we have all heard of the exclusive dating app Tinder, but I am here to tell you I have found something better. Are you just as tired of having to wade through profiles upon profiles of unassuming alpha males posing in mirror selfies just to get to the sexy fishermen? Well, I was! So, I went on a search to find an app for my refined taste. On my quest, I found what my heart truly desired: Fisher. It is a beautiful app full of profiles of desirable men waiting to satiate your appetite for seafood and hot, hot sailboat sex. Here is a small selection of the men available, and let me tell you, they're a catch!
This is when it gets odd. Each quote/caption/profile corresponds with a photo that isn't actually here yet... The italicized bits aren't a part of the article, obviously.
Picture One (Geoffrey): "I was the highlight of the Super Bowl. I can upstage these fishermen any day. Don't pass up a chance to fuck a celebrity."
Picture Two (Henry): "Hello, my name's Henry. I have a charming smile and a fish. I caught it myself and my smile is my proud face."
Picture Three (Rocky): "Ice fishing is a man's sport. I do it because I'm a man and only real men sacrifice their ballsacks for fish."
Picture Four (Conor): "My partner and I are looking for a lovely lady to join our relationship. As you can see, we can both catch fish. Join us for some fishy fun. (875) 468-3474."
Picture Five (Phil): "I like the taste of raw fish … if you know what I mean."
Picture Six (Ryan): "You'll never be as sleek and sexy as this fish, but you can try."
Picture Seven (Nicholas): "I'm an ex-military man who realized that fishing is the only true way to serve my country. Why kill humans when I can kill fish? Dead fish feed other Americans, dead babies feed the devil. I will not betray our Lord and Savior Jeebus Krist. Amen. God Bless America."
Picture Eight (Tyler): "Kik me at IFuckForFish."
Picture Nine (Brandon): "Large mouth bass searching for large muff 'n' ass."
Picture Ten (Pat): "I'm a frat boy fisherman. I'm the total package. I rep Gamma Rho Theta, the national fishing frat. It's a new thing I started. Don't look it up. We aren't fratty enough yet."
Picture Eleven (John): "This fish may be small, but my dick isn't."
Picture Twelve (Cody): "Hunting, disc golf, golfing, 420, outdoors, mountains and fish. Yeah."
Picture Thirteen (Anthony): "I fish."
Picture Fourteen (Tyler [second one with flat fish]): "I like thin fish and thin girls. HMU if your nickname is Flounder."
Picture Fifteen (Shane): "Does this shark make me look cool?"
Picture Sixteen (Brandon): "I got a big fish and big dreams. Hope to one day fish for the big leagues."
Picture Seventeen (Garrett): "Will you be my Fisherella? Swipe right for 'yes.'"
Picture Eighteen (Fred): "I catch my women like I catch my fish: with a swift right hook in the mouth."
Picture Nineteen (Tom): "Hi, I'm Tom. My profile features a rainbow trout because I am a full-fledged supporter of the LGBT*QQIA+ community. So, if you're a lesbian couple looking for a great time, I support you and don't judge your alternate lifestyle, but I'd be totally willing to provide you both with the loving touch of a man. Don't worry though, my rainbow trout is the badge of a fishing ally."
Picture Twenty (Kevin): "I have the biceps of a god, the tanned physique of a true outdoorsman and the skill of a seasoned angler. Bitches love that."
Picture Twenty-one (Cam [the naked guy]): "This is my fishing attire. It helps me feel like one with the ocean and allows me to truly connect with my prey. Do you like what you see?"
Picture Twenty-two (Tyler [guy with multiple fish]): "I know how to treat a fish right, but I'm not one to be tied down to just one fish, ya know. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and you can't expect me to pick just one. I need lots of fish in my life to feel complete. If you can't be down with that, I can't go down on you."
Picture Twenty-three (Kyle): "I got a big fish and a big cock. You know you want it."
Picture Twenty-four (Ryan): "I'm a romantic kind of guy. Fishing under the moonlight and drinking beer under the stars. I've got two beers, who wants the other?"
Picture Twenty-five (Brandon [fishing rod]): "I can handle my rod in ways you can't even imagine."
Picture Twenty-six (Jordan): "Yes, I'm a black fisherman. As hard as it is for you to believe, we do exist. Swipe right for diversity!"
Picture Twenty-seven (Tyler[guy with plugs in ears and beanie]): "This fish, my dick, your fish. Let's get fishy with it."