Park Better or Else, Asshole!

illustration by Cthulhu’s lesser known brother, Ralph

"The first we heard of it was when people complained about vulgar parking tickets," said Sandy Vercarteren, director of Parking and Mediocre Transportation. He refused to show me an example of one such ticket, but I swiped it off his desk after shouting, "Look over there!" The ticket simply said: "PARKING VIOLATION: You park like a piece of shit." I don't know what little bitch complained about the word "shit" but the story only gets better from here.

"It soon escalated from innocent, if vulgar, notes," Vercarteren said. "We began to have more complaints about pranks being played on the cars, which then escalated to actual property damage."

Vercarteren seemed reluctant to reveal any further details of these crimes. 

"I don't want anyone getting any bad ideas," he said. Distorter, however, has no such qualms. In fact, we encourage bad ideas. The opportunity presented itself sooner than I could have hoped. 

Vercarteren had to run out of his office to deal with an urgent matter. Apparently, someone had parked in a spot designated for Public Safety and they were throwing a hissy fit. While this was occurring, I quickly brought up the documents on his computer and emailed them to myself. 

The files revealed some of the actions that were causing such a ruckus. Feb. 27 was the first reported incident of one these notes being left on a car. All of the following incidents involved involved notes, linking the crimes to each other. On Feb. 28, a car was reportedly filled to the brim with shredded paper. The next day, another car was discovered completely covered in cling wrap. March 1 was the first incident of physical destruction, after a car was discovered with the words "park better asshole" keyed into the side. Though it wasn't discovered until approximately a week later, another victim reported that his windshield wiper fluid was spraying red.

"At first I thought it was blood, man. It was some scary shit," said the victim, whose name was not revealed.

Each of these drivers had indeed parked like an asshole. Some of the cars were parked slightly outside of the lines, while some were taking up two parking spaces or even parked on a sidewalk. It's hard to argue that these actions were not deserved. In fact, I won't even try. Their crappy-ass parking jobs had it coming. 

Vercarteren seems to think that these matters should be left in the hands of Parking and Mediocre Transportation, but not all students agree.

"They mostly just give warnings, and that's not really enough to deter people," said sixth year Finger Painting major Art McFart. "I haven't heard much about this vigilante, but if it encourages students to park better, then maybe it's not so bad."

"I'm going to find whatever meanie is doing this and give them a piece of my mind," said Preten Shis, an undeclared first year who hopes to major in "Daddy's Money" even though that's not a real major. "He made my car all dirty and now I need to get my maid to clean it out."

Though there were mixed opinions among students, incoming President Dave Munchkin seemed fine with the outright acts of vandalism.

"I think Parking has been too easy on the students. From what I've seen, there has been horrendous parking on this campus for far too long," Munchkin said. "Now that I'm around, things will start changing." 

Although Public Safety has been investigating, Distorter is proud to announce that they have uncovered significant evidence. A blurry photograph was slipped under the Reporter office door, but Distorter staff snatched it before any Reporter staff could get their grubby fingers on it. The photograph depicts one of the cars that was vandalized, along with a figure fleeing from the scene.

The figure appears to be a tall, bald man. It seems as though he is wearing a Batman mask and cape. This description narrows down the suspect pool significantly. In fact, it seems as though the perpetrator may not even be a student, as very few students are bald. 

"Whoever this person is, is probably just doing this to better his community. Or her community. It could be a girl or a goat or someone ..." Munchkin said, somewhat suspiciously.

In fact, the dates of the incidents in question coincide perfectly with Munchkin's visit to campus. The incidents seem to have stopped since he left campus. Distorter took their sneaking suspicions of the suspect directly to Parking.

"Munchkin? That's ridiculous. Why would Dr. Munchkin do such a thing?" Vercarteren said. "You really shouldn't make such assertions. As journalists, you can only report facts, and that is not a fact."

The joke's on Vercarteren, though. The current U.S. administration says I can just make up some facts and it's fine. So here are the facts, folks: Munchkin is the vigilante parking enforcer. Munchkin promotes vandalism and destruction, so long as they deserve it. Expect orderly parking under Munchkin's watch.

"I'm not saying that I support this man or woman. Could be a woman," Munchkin stumbled. "But he's really working for the community. Parking will be a much better experience for people once the assho— excuse me, once the delinquents are off the lots."

Munchkin may not be the hero we asked for, but he is the hero we deserve. To those of you who don't know how to park or don't care about being a decent human being, watch out. Munchkin will see all, punish all.