The LIGO SHIT
by Cunt Blacula | published Apr. 1st, 2016
Hey, y’all! Back by popular demand, Cunt Blacula here with another wonderful gadget!
Have you ever wanted to go back to the future? Be a time traveller's wife? Pretend to be a sexually ambiguous psuedo-doctor? Well, do I have the product for you!
After the Laser Interferometer Gravitational-Wave Observatory (LIGO) Science Collaboration's proof that gravitational waves exist, the researchers at RIT who were part of the marvelous discovery were bombarded with questions from students about what this means to the common man.
Michael Ira Rellivant, a college-aged person on campus, said “I figured if they were going to solve Einstein’s theory of relativity, the least they could do is solve my theory of late activity.” He went on to explain that his lateness to class is going to cause him to be an adult-aged person on campus soon.
So, what could the researchers do to help the common man like Mike? Well, they could fucking research — and research they did.
With support from LIGO, RIT researchers dove straight into the steaming pile of intergalactic shit that is the space-time continuum. One of the researchers, the renowned inventor of more glow-in-the-dark-ier, press-on Starr™ stickers, Krystalle Starr™, said of the arduous task that often times she would rather "choke on a freshly pinched loaf" than continue researching – but continue they did. And after what seemed like years, they got it: time travel.
That's right, my nerdy schmucks, MOTHERFUCKING TIME FUCKING TRAVEL.
RIT researchers have discovered a simple, cost-effective way to tap into the space-time continuum and create time warping portals. They determined that firing low-powered laser pointers into semi-porous tubular structures and having reflective surfaces at each end with one highly reflective merging surface outside of the framing of the tubes creates a high frequency light beam that travels on gravitational waves and creates a pulse in the galaxy strong enough to pierce the confines of our dimension's space-time continuum. It sounds like a mouthful, but basically NOW WE CAN TRAVEL THROUGH MOTHERFUCKING TIME.
NOW WE CAN TRAVEL THROUGH MOTHERFUCKING TIME.
This contraption is the Space-Time Halting Intergalactic Thing (SHIT for short, in homage to the tortured Starr). It comes disassembled in a kit full of common household items that you just paid $9.99 plus shipping and handling for, but it’s totally worth it because you didn’t have to stop watching “The Bachelor” and stuffing your face full of pizza rolls to go to the store. It includes custom SHITty toilet paper rolls, pre-cut rounds of off-brand aluminum foil, two key chain laser pointers from a claw machine LIGO recently “acquired,” a generic make-up compact and an extra roll of aluminum foil to create a fashionable yet useful accessory. These materials are some of the cheapest you can find for this application. If you can't afford these, you probably don't deserve to travel in time, and it probably won't help your situation anyway. So crawl back to your couch with your chewy, semi-burnt Totino's and lament about how "Ben totally should pick Jojo."
What is truly amazing about SHIT is its DIY disassembled state. Since you can assemble it yourself, you can customize the dimensions and distances between each part. As you move the items further away from or closer to each other, the focal length of the continuum piercing light beam increases or decreases respectively. An increased focal length leads to travelling forward in time, while a decreased or even negative focal length leads to travelling back in time. Easy-fucking-peasy, right? The technology behind this will change the very face of transportation!
Honestly, this is one of the most revolutionary devices I have seen and I can't wait for you to try it out!
Check out the in-depth diagram on the adjacent page to learn more about the detailed, super scientific mechanics of this device. Also, there's a motherfucking video online. Watch that shit.