It's Not Cold If You Can't Feel Anything

Rochester is cold, so get all your nerve endings removed.

Think about it: you can’t get cold if you can’t feel anything. Not only that, but you’ll never hurt yourself stubbing your toe or feel what it’s like to hold your own son or daughter or to have sex. Not that it’s important, you go to RIT; you’re not having sex anyway.

This procedure is seriously expensive and not covered by Obamacare. Fortunately, RIT administration has you covered. If you've been wondering about that 3.8 percent increase in tuition, every member of administration was required to get the procedure done.

As President Wrestler said in the Institute Council meeting for March, “I’m glad to announce that the procedure was done safely and effectively. I literally streaked my way into my office and didn’t feel a thing.”

Dick Hardman of the Board of Trustees says the adjustment was initially uncomfortable. “It’s rather difficult at first, but you get used to it as time goes on,” Hardman said as he poured himself a cup of coffee. “I can’t taste this anymore, but I believe it makes me look more official and relatable.”

“I feel like one of the hardest challenges to overcome is my clumsiness,” Hardman said as he spilled coffee into his lap. “I notice sometimes that I run into things or spill them without knowing.” Hardman looked down, “Oh, look at that. Can’t feel a thing.”

David Chap, a member of the Strategic Planning Committee, also commented: “The only problem I’ve encountered so far is that I’m unable to tell how fast I’m going because I can’t feel the pedal. Not that it matters too much anyway, I’m already speeding whenever I come here.”

The procedure has prevented the possibility of a snow day, something many students have been hopefully anticipating for months. Facilities Manager Joseph Krabs believes the move is smart. “Well, here you have a bunch of kids wanting to get the day off so they can ‘do marijuana’ or whatever. It’s sickening. I don’t care if two got hypothermia and another is seriously hospitalized, they should’ve slept in the library.”

An activist group on campus has already taken a stand against the policy, believing it to be unjust toward students and those who can’t afford the procedure. Second year Computer Science major Hugh Jazz cites the rising disparity between the rich and poor. “It’s unfair, man. First they turn off the fire in Global Village, next they get a procedure done so they don’t have to deal with the cold. It leaves us students completely on our own.”

Another student, fourth year Marketing major Jessica Weiner, believes the funds that went to the procedure were ill-obtained. “I think it’s bullshit … I thought [administration] spending $40,000 a year on balloons alone was bad enough. Are they gonna ask for an arm and a leg next?”

The activist group, “Cold Balls,” has organized multiple protests at RIT and in Henrietta. The group calls for a reversal of the procedure and for snow days “whenever we don’t really feel like doing shit.”

Terry Arschloch of the Student Affairs department retaliated against the activists. “If you all weren’t poor, you wouldn’t have to deal with the cold.”

The lack of snow days has forced many students to find ways to stay warm. The already busy-as-balls Student Alumni Union (SAU) building has become the equivalent of the subway during rush hour. Those brave enough to not take the shortcut and go in between Eastman and the SAU are absolutely fucking crazy.

The action by RIT's administration has spread to other New York campuses as well. New York University’s president attempted the procedure, but the operation was not a success.

If you’re like me, whenever winter rears its ugly head, you’re ready to turn tail and head home. College is hard enough, my nipples shouldn’t be the same way.