Epidemic at our doors: SFQS
by Arthathon "The News" Hinklewinker Jr. | published Mar. 31st, 2017
The scene seemed like it came straight out of a disaster movie. Quarantine zones were hastily erected throughout campus as faceless figures in white Hazmat suits darted in and out of buildings. Lecture halls full of students were evacuated in what seemed like seconds. But even these dramatic efforts seemed quaint in the face of an outbreak so serious. Panic is at an all-time high on campus as the RIT community suffers its most violent outbreak of Stupid Fucking Question Syndrome (SFQS) yet.
The origins of Stupid Fucking Question Syndrome are shrouded in mystery.
“The virus behind this crisis is hardly new,” said Dr. Gerturde Spleenis, professor of virology and faculty advisor of the “Epidemics-4-Fun” club at RIT. Scientifically known as Interrogatium idiosus, it is speculated that the original, more mild strain of the virus originated in a freshman level Intro to Biology course. Spleenis explained that the virus used to be transmitted sexually, making it virtually harmless at RIT.
“But this new form of idiosus is engineered to be airborne, making it especially potent and especially dangerous,” she said.
Records indicate that the source of this current strain comes from a lab on campus, qualifying the epidemic as a potential act of bioterrorism. Whether this was a politically motivated act or the result of a drunken night in Gosnell gone too far, is unknown.
Symptoms of SFQS are virtually unnoticeable until the infected is with a group, especially in a classroom setting.
“The infected have an uncontrollable urge to shout whatever idiotic question that comes to mind. Usually, it's something along the lines of ‘Is this going to be on the test?’ or ‘Is this homework mandatory?’” continued Spleenis. She added that lingering on their question only makes the virus more potent.
“One of the most vulnerable entry points for the virus is in the bottom of the eye socket, so rolling your eyes puts you at incredible risk,” said Spleenis. “But it can be impossible not to, you know? It’s like ‘Oh my god, shut the fuck up.'”
“One of the most vulnerable entry points for the virus is in the bottom of the eye socket, so rolling your eyes puts you at incredible risk,” said Spleenis. “But it can be impossible not to, you know? It’s like, ‘Oh my god, shut the fuck up.'”
It is unclear who was patient zero of this outbreak. However, the first documented case was of first year Government Stuff major Craig P. Gurtle. Gurtle began shouting out stupid fucking questions early this spring semester.
“At first, we all just assumed this kid was just kind of a dumbass,” said first year Government Stuff major Emma Thingle, who had several classes with Gurtle. “But when he asked if he needed to take notes for the third consecutive lecture, we realized there was something serious going on.”
Unbeknownst to his classmates, Gurtle had already spread the pathogen to first year Sexuality major Cynthia Speenle. The transmission allegedly occurred when Gurtle trapped Speenle in a one-sided conversation about the band Sublime for 30 minutes at an off-campus party.
Soon after the party, Speenle became increasingly vocal in her classes.
“She started incessantly asking how what we’re doing would be useful, and if she could put this on her resume,” said a fellow classmate who asked not to be named. “It was during a lecture in an art history class. Of course you can’t put it on your fucking resume,” her classmate continued.
But in just weeks, cases of SFQS became too numerous to properly document. The syndrome has become alarmingly common on campus. Just yesterday, Salsarita’s was forced to shut down after the line for food ground to a halt. Devin Milfo, a student manager at the Salsarita’s Grill, witnessed the carnage firsthand.
“On one end of the line, some idiot was asking if he could get the pork prepared ‘Halal-style.’ On the other end, another idiot was incessantly asking questions about all of the sauces,” said Milfo, a Puppetry major.
“You’re 20 years old, it’s not my fault you don’t know the difference between red and yellow curry. And even so, how would I describe the flavor of something you’ve never tasted to you? I’m getting paid minimum wage to scoop rice on a plate, not write fucking poetry,” he said.
Spleenis was not hopeful that a cure could be synthesized.
“We’re dealing with a poorly understood syndrome that’s highly contagious. At this point, the best course of action is to minimize the damage,” she said.
This also seems to be the policy of the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), whose representatives have hastily quarantined sections of campus. Although the tents and detours have made the commute to class difficult, they have been deemed necessary for the safety of the student body.
“Considering how subtle symptoms can be, it’s better to err on the side of caution. You could be carrying the virus and not even know it, after all,” said Spleenis.
“Considering how subtle symptoms can be, it’s better to err on the side of caution. You could be carrying the virus and not even know it, after all,” said Spleenis. “Once the syndrome has taken hold, you will lack the self-awareness to know that you are contagious.”
But this view of SFQS may be too fatalistic. For example, a groundbreaking article I read on Facebook said that cancer could be cured by medical marijuana and yoga. Why isn’t the CDC considering these options? Also, if Spleenis is a doctor, then why isn’t she busy treating people who are sick? I read that Big Pharma is jacking up the prices of epidemics because Martin Shakira wants more money, but we have an epidemic here too?
How do I know if all of this is fake news or not? How much am I getting paid for this article? Can I get class credit for it, too? Does Reporter have a website?