Co-op Simulator VR
by Coked Up Clippy | published Mar. 31st, 2017
Let's face it, finding a co-op is fucking impossible.
Like countless other aspiring change makers, innovators, artists and diagnostic medical sonographers at RIT, you have yet to give up on pursuing your true passion in the professional world. Still ... there's a part of you that wishes they would have at least warned you that employers literally only hire programming majors. If you don't know code, Big Data or how to work with "the cloud" (not a real thing), then to most employers you're as appealing as a meal from Gracie's.
"I had lost the will to live, or at least to keep looking at job postings," recalled Augustus Jackman, a third year Selling Things major and former fall 2016 intern of Don't Worry About It Inc. "I had like less than a week left until the semester started and I had nothing. I was past feeling anxious. The only human emotion I could feel was despair, but then ... then ... I found Co-op Simulator."
Developed by CIA studios — creators of previous escapist experiences like "Willful Ignorance" and "Drugs" — "Co-op Simulator" is the brainchild of some people who have the aforementioned programming skills. Jackman first discovered the VR application while attending a midnight modernist meat monument menagerie run by the art gallery that his friend Carrie Summers, a fourth year Doodling major, was co-oping at.
When Summers texted Jackman the gallery address, he was initially confused that it was the same as Summers' apartment. Nevertheless he went, only to find Summers in pitch black, carving and gesturing to thin air, wearing nothing but a Squirtle suit and an Oculus Rift.
"I was a bit taken aback," confessed Jackman. "I mean I had never seen a VR headset before, and I had no idea what Carrie was doing out of her Pikachu costume." After recovering from the brief exposure to sunlight resulting from Jackman's entrance, Summers recalled revealing that the art gallery she was interning at had offered her the opportunity to now create her own works. Not only that, but that both experiences were entirely done through her headset.
"He asked if he could seez [the Oculus Rift], but I said no! Get your own," snarled a ghostly pale Summers through the crack of her apartment door. "I knew he just wanted to take away my precious, my preciouuuusss. Now go away! The sun light burnnnzzz ... and I must, I must get back to my work."
Needless to say, Jackman was intrigued. Not long after that, he was preparing himself for the first day on the job.
An Average Day at the Office
At first Jackman was skeptical of "Co-op Simulator". After all, on some level a co-op is supposed to prepare RIT students for the realities of the professional world.
"Then I remembered it was fine," noted Jackman. "Besides, I was already stressing about leaving a good first impression. I didn't need to have that on my mind as well." It turned out that many of Jackman's reservations were misplaced. Not only were his programmed coworkers as cordial as possible, but the work also turned out to be both engaging and stimulating.
Within his first 20 minutes, Jackman had been tapped by his boss to manage the Furry conventions for the company's top clients. This was coincidentally right after the company's weekly beer tasting. In addition to being a marketing agency, tech start-up, video game developer and professional Knee Hockey League of the highest level, Don't Worry About It Inc. is the region's premiere IPA Brewery. Between daily parachute jumps from the company's helicopter and hourly naps, Jackman had begun to enjoy the company's culture.
"By the first week I said to myself, 'This shit is dope,'" explained Jackman. "Each day I put on the headset, I want to take it off less and less. You hear about how tough it is to find your dream job — let alone work that you kind of enjoy — but I found this position which seems like it was designed to be everything I wanted it to be."
Never Going Back
By the time the Fall 2016 term came to a close, Jackman decided not to return to school, instead accepting a promotion to CEO of Don't Worry About It Inc and Alpha Furry.
"I'm 20 motherfuckin' years old and I'm a motherfuckin' CEO," yelled Jackman, as he took a swig from the bottle of Everclear he was clenching. "Besides, as the ezecutive, I now get to make all the rulez. I'm going to make this place Google on steroids, hell no one will want to leave. I know I wouldn't."
In an effort to imbue Don't Worry About It Inc.'s offices with more creative freedom and "good vibes," Jackman decided to relax some of the more corporate aspects of the company's culture. For one, pants are now optional and no one can judge him for not going back to school. When asked if he would recommend "Co-op Simulator" to students currently searching for internships, Jackman was honest about it not being for everyone.
"Not everyone is daring enough to loosen their grip on reality," said Jackman from beneath his unplugged headset. "People are told their whole lives what's 'real' and what's not, and some just can't accept a paradigm shift. Now get the fuck out, I'm meeting with one of my shareholders in five to discuss the benefits of giving up sleep and making more holes in the wall."
*Co-op Simulator is not currently recognized by RIT's Office of Career Services and Cooperative Education for co-op credit.