69 Ways to Get the Date

by Joe Mahmah | published Mar. 31st, 2017

illustration by Mom

Having no luck when it comes to dating? No matter what you do, nothing seems to be working out, right? Well, don’t fret. Distorter is here to offer you top notch dating advice. After sifting through countless polls and dating blogs, we have combined only the best pieces of advice to make the dating world a little easier to handle. After skimming through this lists of dos and don't's, you become the master of the dating world. So take a look and learn from the best.

Here are the top 69 tips for dating:

McDonald’s is the hottest spot for first dates.
And if you’re running out of ideas later in the relationship, it never hurts to go again. And again.
Bring your ex along — to prove that you are desirable to other people.
It’s probably a good idea to just share your full uncensored dating history right off the bat.
If you’re a little worried about where things might go, make them take a purity test. There’s tons of them online.
Wear a shirt that says “Momma’s boy.”
Before Netflix and chill, always go extra spicy on your Thai food.
Drive on the wrong side of the highway to give them an extra thrill.
Order the cheapest bottle of wine. Drink it all.
Watch your favorite movie and quote everything just a couple seconds early to show off your impressive memory.
Every couple steps, stop and practice your golf swing.
Have them help you swipe through Tinder.
Pick them up in car with a dirty shovel in the back to show them that you're outdoorsy.
Make sure they fully understand that you would die for your frat brothers.
Always rock eight fake gold chains at once. They’ll be so distracted, they’ll never know you’re fronting.
Gas stations have top notch coffee for those coffee dates.
Ask them for their credit card information — this shows trust.
Make sure they know they are the DD.
Slide into the DMs.
Slide into the PMs.
I think Instagram has messaging now too.
Whatever you do, just avoid face-to-face contact. Asking someone out in person? Too old fashioned.
Re-gift. Especially that engraved necklace you have from your last relationship. They’ll love the thought.
Call them right away. I mean as soon as you drop them off. Call them.
If they don’t answer, lengthy voicemails always do wonders.
Don’t hold the door for them, let it slam and test their reflexes. You don't want a boo with bad reflexes.
Ramble on about your problems so they get to know you.
Who knows? Crying on their shoulder might just help.
Vape and blow the rings right into their face, so they know who the real vape god is.
Ask them what names they like for any future kids.
Make sure they know there will be future kids.
Don’t pay for their meal — make them pay for yours.
Split the bill when all they had was a salad and water and you had two steaks and two bottles of wine.
Play country music and nothing but country music.
Take pictures of them the whole night, claiming they're your “muse.”
On second thought, just have a video camera rolling away.
Make them listen to you play guitar all night long — even if you don’t know how to play it.
Show them your bee collection — we know you have one.
Over-dress. Seriously, who wouldn’t wear a tux to the movies?
Speaking of movies, make sure to put your arm around them even when it's not warranted to show them you're persistent.
Hey! Look over there! (But grab their wallet instead).
If they aren’t carrying around their wallet — ditch 'em. You need some money in this life.
If they complain about the cold, pour coffee in their boots; it's warm.
Don’t even think about complimenting them — everyone knows you’re mean to the person you like. Didn’t you ever go to grade school?
Flirt with the waiter/waitress.
Flirt with the couple sitting at the next table.
Do an inside Chinese fire drill with the couple sitting at the next table.
Break out the lightsaber and tell them the force rules all.
Plan your next date for Feb. 29, the most romantic day of the year.
If they seem totally into you — reject them. Play hard to get. Make them run to you.
Literally, leave them at the restaurant and have them chase down your car.
Tell them your dad is a professional boxer.
And your mom is a nun.
You don’t want to be late, so show up to their house at least an hour or two early.
Show them your Snapchat streak with Team Snapchat to really emphasize your level of commitment.
Bring your cats along. Yes, all of them.
Read them a bedtime story. Goodnight Moon is always a hit.
Topic idea: the traumatizing event of finding out Kevin Jonas’s name was actually Paul.
A case of beer is cheaper than a dinner for two.
Dab so hard that you break a sweat. That’ll impress ‘em.
Lunchables are always a go-to meal to share.
Dump them for Valentine’s Day, no expensive presents involved.
Then use discounted chocolate and flowers to win their heart back.
Fellas: when you are first meeting your lady’s father, come to dinner with a baseball mitt and say, “I wanna play catch, daddy.” Sit on his lap.
Ladies: make sure you let his mom know just how gentle of a lover he is.
Every single time you say their name, use a different one.
Ask their parents to chaperone.
On the first date, call your mom and yell at her.
And of course — tell them, “I love you” immediately.