“Hide the women and children,” proclaimed the president at the announcement of RIT’s Campus Plan, which provides a vision for the university’s future.

As it turns out, not even the kids are safe from the fervor of Tiger pride. The university announced last week that an anonymous donation will fund a variety of renovations and new programs in Margaret’s House, with the intention of fueling the next generation of thinkers, makers and doers.

A Brand New Crib

The first phase of the makeover, called “Margaret’s Plan,” is set to begin tomorrow afternoon. Students on the ninth floor of Sol reported seeing a crane with a wrecking ball emerging from the horizon, inching its way toward campus. The entirety of the old building will be torn down and replaced with a new structure, made from glass and galvanized stainless steel.

“It will look a lot like the SHED,” a project representative gloated. He rambled about the endless opportunities provided by the proposed makerspaces and flexible classrooms. The representative was 6’5” so it was hard to understand him from down here. 

Fortunately, Distorter acquired a copy of Margaret’s Blueprint from an inebriated construction worker named Robert, who was scouting the area. Surrounding the central stairwell will be a spiral slide that leads to a giant ball pit in the ground-floor atrium. Unlike the SHED, the rooms in the new Margaret’s House will feature accessible entrance buttons.

“Shit’s gonna be epic,” noted Robert’s astute six-year-old son who is also named Robert. The younger Robert is an alum of Margaret’s House, graduating magna cum laude, and was scouting next to his father when he gave Distorter the blueprint.

While the project representative claims that the renovations will be finished in the next week, Robert and Robert are under contract until 2031. Only time will tell whether Robert is paid — and whether Robert can go back to school — by the end of the decade.

Constructing a Resume

While construction is underway, Margaret’s House will pilot a series of pre-professional programs, designed to transform its cubs into the strongest Tigers out there.

“To become a Tiger is to become accustomed to excellence in all facets of life,” wrote 27-month-old Andrew in a LinkedIn post. A diligent scholar, Andrew is the vice president of his graduating class at Margaret’s House. The president is still learning how to read and therefore could not be reached on social media.

With assistance from the university, Andrew has designed a revolutionary co-op program that allows students to seek employment abroad. Margaret’s House has already secured partnerships with several prestigious companies in China. He is also rallying against child labor laws at the federal level and has befriended several Republican politicians.  

“In an increasingly globalized economy, such opportunities will allow kids to gain years of experience in mere weeks,” stated Andrew. “Are you oblivious to how favorable that appears to recruiters on LinkedIn? Why are you looking at me with skepticism? Are you obtuse? Maybe that’s why you work for Distorter and not University News, idiot.”

Andrew’s peers were critical of these plans. “I think he’s full of shit,” said Joe, who was formerly Andrew’s cubby neighbor. Joe disappeared the following morning.

Not So Fast, Freshmen

You may feel jealous about these changes, but if you’re a freshman, you’re in luck! To aid incoming students as they ease into college life, the university will provide select programming in the new Margaret’s House. 

For incoming students scoring below a 35 on their Math Placement Exam, the university will move College Algebra to Margaret’s Lecture Hall. Each desk will have an abacus allowing for hands-on learning of difficult mathematical concepts, starting with counting. More importantly, Margaret’s House will now host weekly parties exclusively for the entering class. This comes after numerous Greek organizations banned non-affiliated freshmen from attending their events. Even by fraternity standards, they are allergic to intelligent substance use habits. 

“I don’t blame them,” said Gigachad, a seventh year human-centered computing student who identifies as Greek, despite being blacklisted by three fraternities and every sorority in the country. “COVID caused all sorts of problems for the iPad kids. They have to learn from the basics, you know. Get my boy Andrew to teach them a couple things about drinking, type shi.”

The university will even provide shuttles for these events, running as late as 7:30 p.m., and the ball pit will still be open. Do not worry about bringing alcohol — Andrew has patented a novel liquid concoction that looks and feels like the real thing.