Rejects of the Campus (ROTC) has joined forces with Humans versus Zombies (HvZ) for its training regimen. In light of recent world events which will not be named so our magazines don’t get stolen, ROTC operates with the belief that the HvZ program can help prepare soldiers for active combat situations.

Lowes Hardware, a drill sergeant with ROTC, spoke about the importance of HvZ on campus.

“It recreates ‘Nam better than anything we could do. The moment you see something with green start moving, you start shooting,” he remarked, “Now drop down and give me twenty.”

John Cadet, who signed up for ROTC as a means of joining the space force, was surprised to learn that HvZ was becoming part of their curriculum.

“At first, I thought it was going to be really cool,” Cadet said, “I was a little disappointed when I learned that we could only use Nerf guns, though.”

On March 1, the annual week-long game of HvZ began with a bald eagle released by ROTC to commemorate the event. The eagle screeched emphatically over the sound of foam bullets being fired across the Quarter Mile. “The Star-Spangled Banner” began to blare over campus — “We are America. USA! USA!”

“I’m hit!” Matthew Marine yelled as a foam dart made contact with his jacket.

He fell to the ground in agony, begging for a medic, but there were none in the area, as the student health center is always understaffed.

John Cadet took Marine’s dog tag and clipped it to his backpack.

“This is how I remember my friends,” he said, rifling through Marine’s pocket, taking his wallet and phone. “And this is how I pay for RITz,” he added.

Hugh L. Carey Hall, which is usually filled with who-knows-what spyware, was converted into a command center for the ROTC students. From there, Hardware, as well as Professor Harbor Freight, watched the cadets launch a counteroffensive against the zombies.

They had set up a trebuchet, hidden behind the Eastman building, and filled it with all of the Nerf darts they could find. Upon being flipped, the trebuchet launched the munitions into the infinity quad, where they rained down upon their enemies.

This strategy was immediately banned due to the countless civilian casualties, which included every single student in the College of Science and the College of Art and Design. When asked about these casualties, a spokesperson for the university responded, “Who?” The Soviet Union began its own Nerf trebuchet development program in what is turning into an arms race.

“In retrospect, I think we did what had to be done,” Home Depot said, “History may remember us as the bad guys, but I don’t care what history has to say.”

Following the decisive victory the ROTC cadets took during HvZ, they were promptly shipped off to war in [insert country of your choice here!] and were told that there would hopefully still be a campus for them to return to. That said, the rampant militarism by the University of Rochester has made some leaders nervous.

For their own part, members of HvZ are unhappy that ROTC has taken over their club activity.

“Aw hell naw,” Ohio State, third-string treasurer of HvZ said, “I just wanted to shoot stuff, I didn’t want the military to get involved.”

“Braaaaiiiiiiinnnnnnnsssss,” added HvZ faculty advisor Rob Zombie.

“I hope those [University of Rochester] people know that just because they have better programs, better faculty, and better dining than us, we’ll do everything in our power to show them who’s boss,” Cadet said, firing his Nerf gun into the air.

The dart hit the bald eagle, which then fell onto the brick walkway and died.

Just remember kids: it’s Nerf or nothin’.