“3, 2, 1, the Tigers are champions of Atlantic Hockey!” Ritchie Broad-Caster’s words echoed until… *ring, ring, ring (alarm sounds).

Back to cold reality for coach Bruce Spalding. As he awakened from the recollection, all the coach could think about was his old team, led by star goalie, Tony Macaroni. In the coach’s 95th year at the helm, the team faces demotion from Division I back down to Division III.

“Tony has a lot in common with my dad. Both left and never came back,” Spalding expressed, fighting back tears.

The team’s struggles throughout this season have caused fans to crave other entertainment options during games. Fear not, as in addition to whatever Family Guy episode your dopamine receptors may crave, we have also provided you with some other ideas for gameday activities!

-Learn every part of Free Bird with the Pep Band!
-Consider witnessing other hockey games, and NOT being a misogynist.
-Watch replays of last season on repeat.
-Do your work (you procrastinators).
-Chant “you suck” at the other team while down 9-2.
-Call your family. They’re worried about you.

These are merely some of the endless possible distractions for fans at the Nancy Pelosi Center. Speaking of the fans, many of the team’s supporters have fallen out of line with the squad. In particular, the Corner Crew’s effective leader, the Large Grunt, reflected upon the season thus far.

“After the games we lose, we usually chant ‘let’s get drunk’, but I may have to consider doing it before the game now!”

We would be bad journalists if we failed to inform our readers that the Corner Crew performs at an oval-shaped rink, and ovals have no corners. Do with this info what you will, but we cannot be held liable for any trauma this may cause.

After a rousing intermission speech by Spalding, which included gems such as “eh fuck it, I’m retiring after this year anyway,” one of the players, John Business-Major, took it upon himself to inspire hope. “Guys, coach is right! If we want to win, it’s on us!”, stated Business-Major, to which the other players simply vacated the room.

Business-Major hopes that the team does well this year. His scholarship has been tied to the team’s success, and he will likely not be able to afford to come back next year.

The game, which was held on Mar. 21 to a crowd smaller than the average women’s hockey game (which you should ABSOLUTELY be going to!) was a shutout. The 12-0 L taken by the Tigers was one of their best performances this year, according to pep-band member Jay Saxophone.

“Ya’ like jazz?” he said, totally unprompted. He has repeated this line verbatim since he was 6.

This year, the team is looking forward to the Frozen Four tournament which will be held April 10-12. It will be an opportunity for them to sit in the bleachers and watch their hopes of going pro vanish before their very eyes.

Many students have found themselves wondering what happened to the team, which was very good last year (and exclusively last year). The answer comes from the NCAA, which allowed student-athletes to transfer and play at universities known for things aside from bursting into flames and the SHED and the SHED bursting into flames.

Tony Macaroni, who had a featured article written about him last year by our sister publication Reposter Newspaper, now plays for the Rizzconsin Beagles. Macaroni has (allegedly) matched on Tinder with half of their student body and plans to collect the rest “like they’re Infinity Stones”, he stated.

“I used to be an RIT tiger,” Macaroni said in an interview. “But I took the first offer I had to get out of that place. I mean, does anyone actually enjoy Rochester?”

Macaroni had previously promised the RIT community that he would stay. While he can keep goals out, he cannot keep his promises.

Thankfully, RIT awaits their next great superstar, the Lisan-al-Ritchie who will lead us to brick paradise. His name? Sharter Wontke.