As RIT’s mascot for the past forty years, Ritchie has witnessed countless events that cannot be explained. However, one particular event has confounded him: how he became sexy after being bitten by a bat at Riverknoll due to its lack of maintenance.  

In an interview with Distorter, Ritchie described his account while trembling and holding back tears.   

Ritchie’s story begins on a particularly warm October night at the pond by the Riverknoll complex. The night sky was unobstructed by a lack of clouds, and a gentle breeze made trees dance timidly. The pond was still, interrupted periodically by a ripple. It is unclear why Ritchie included these details in his account, but Distorter suspects the mascot’s true motives for being at the pond involve his bloodshot eyes and faint, skunky smell. An investigation into the weather of that fateful night revealed that a storm had struck. Regardless, Ritchie’s story continues.  

The mascot decided to enter Riverknoll to visit a friend. Upon entering the friend’s darkened and swampy apartment, Ritchie realized he was supposed to meet them tomorrow night.  

Dejected, Ritchie waded through the thick water, dodging areas where the ceiling had caved and asbestos was falling out, to exit the apartment when he heard a sound radiating from the friend’s bedroom. The mascot, naturally concerned about his friend’s safety, investigated the source of the clattering sounds. Without warning, a bat flew out of the room, hitting Ritchie in the face!  

Ritchie panicked, swatting the bat away while scrambling to escape. He fell into the disgusting water, but somehow, he did not swallow the radioactive waste. Ritchie fled the poorly designed apartment through the illegal back door.  

Traumatized by the event, Ritchie swore to forget. Unfortunately, acting as if nothing had happened would not be easy in the following months.  

Ritchie first realized something was off a week after the fateful night. RIT students were paying more attention to him than usual. Worse yet, even the non-Furries complimented on how fluffy his tail looked. “What was going on?!” Ritchie cried. “Why do people keep flirting with me? I am a mascot, and mascots are not sexy!”

At the urging of his friends, the mascot visited the doctor for an inspection. The doctor stared at Ritchie for two minutes before finally revealing his diagnosis: he was ailing with a mysterious condition caused by bat bites, particularly at the Riverknoll complex.  

“Your condition is unique,” the doctor mused, chewing loudly on his D’Mangu visiting chef entree. “Mmm, yes, it is rather so peculiar. You are sexy for the rest of your life. I am sorry to break it to you, but there is no cure. Only bats from Riverknoll could cause this. The apartment’s outdated design has created a haven for the bats. The side effects of being sexy include an increased risk of compliments, being unintentionally charming and likable, and, finally, becoming friends with Taylor Swift.”  

Ritchie cried at the prospect of becoming part of Taylor Swift’s inner circle. The mascot found it difficult to adjust to the new reality, intentionally trying to de-sexy himself to no avail. Despite not taking a shower for two weeks, Ritchie received over-the-top compliments. RIT even erased his student debt of three million dollars and held a ceremony for him where Taylor Swift showed up. Ritchie was blindsided to suddenly become a target of animosity for his friendship with Swift, even getting booed at the Super Bowl. “Why is he so sexy?” one Reddit user commented with clear disdain. “He should stop getting Botox before my wife leaves me for him!”

Eventually, Ritchie adjusted to his new life. The mascot loved his new friendships with celebrities and now loved Riverknoll. He bathed in a tub full of brown water that hadn’t been cleaned despite complaints dating back to the 1980s. He would forage for mushrooms found in some restrooms in the complex, which wasn’t easy because some black mold could be confused for mushrooms.  

“This is the end of my story,” Ritchie solemnly spoke. “You must understand the moral of my story: people may think becoming sexy is a good thing, but it is a godforsaken terrain. Because RIT would not properly maintain the apartments, Riverknoll has been subjugated by an evil force that can be felt.  Heed my warning and avoid the apartment at any cost.”