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Destler Dodge

Aside from being the ultimate time-waster and making me question why I go to this God-damned school, Yik Yak is quite possibly the closest thing we have to an Animal Planet documentary:

And here we see the wild Top Hat Guy in his usual hunting ground. The scared college students chatter, or "yak," to alert others to his presence.

In the chemistry classroom, we can observe Chemkid trying to impress the females of his species. Although there is only one other documented member of his species, known as “Chemgirl,” it seems that Chemkid mistakes a classroom full of college students as members of his own species. Chemkid’s mating call involves asking questions to his mentor, Lanzafame, also known as Yak Master Joe. Yak Master Joe is generally irritated about being interrupted from his lecture. Meanwhile, the idle college student is wondering, ‘If this whole lecture is going to be about ex-wives, can I just leave?’

Yak Master Joe seems to think that Heidi Klum has something to do with chemistry, and brings her up often. If Yak Master Joe was as passionate about chemistry as he was about Heidi Klum and his ex-wife, then his students might actually learn something. Chemkid doesn’t bother actually listening to the Yak Master, instead looking up the material online before class so he can attempt to sound smarter when speaking. This is an attempt to impress Chemgirl, a mating technique only seen in this particular species.

Chemkid is only loosely related to the college student species. Field experts usually determine the difference with an observation of mating habits. While Chemkid’s mating calls usually make their appearance in the lecture hall jungle, the college student yaks its mating call. Although many of these recorded yaks seem to talk to one person in particular, field experts are still unable to determine if the messages yield much result.

Occasionally, a call will come out addressed to no one in particular. Instead of using the typical diction of a college student, these calls ask for ‘cuddles.’ A positive response will only sporadically appear in the form of a “kik.” Field experts have yet to determine what a “kik” is.

The college student will often yak for purposes other than mating. It is often used as a sort of forum for complaints. College students seem to be bothered by what is collectively named “First World Problems.”

If the college student cared about human rights as much as they did about their seats being taken, then we would have solved all of humanity’s problems by now. Instead of coming in one day to class and passive-aggressively complaining to YikYak about having to sit in a different seat, there would be outrage against the detention camps in North Korea. But the college student would rather keep updated on the status of Laptop Guy.

Laptop Guy is similar to Chemkid in that he cannot quite be classified as a college student. Although he comes from the same family as Homo sapiens, Laptop Guy has a much more distinct trait that makes it easier for field experts to classify him. Growing out of one of his appendages is a laptop — thus the name. Field experts are baffled as to what the evolutionary advantage of this mutation is.

There is much yet unknown about these secretive species, which live only in special designated reserves. YikYak is the perfect companion for anyone looking to begin a rudimentary study of college students and their relatives, Chemkid and Laptop Guy.