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Destler Dodge

Hey, Cunt Blacula here! I'm the resident expert in all things new and improved. Boy, do I have a product for you!

Have you ever just been sitting down looking down at your shoelaces and wondering why your they have a plain old piece of plastic or metal on the end? Have no fear, the smart aglet is here!

Gone are the days of having to tie your own shoes! Gone are the days of having chronic back pain because of the arduous task of bending over, touching your toes and preventing yourself from falling flat on your face by securing your laces! Gone are the days of actually having to put in any effort to lean over your giant, overflowing beer gut to stop your body from catapulting forward after stepping on those damn pieces of string hanging from your foot coverings!

The smart aglet is equipped with state-of-the-art robotic capabilities that allow it to self tie any pair of shoes. The robot encased within the aglet is programmed to employ the use of millions of tiny fingers that find their way through the shoe eyelets (by the way, stay tuned for a riveting review of the smart eyelet in the near never), under, over and through the rabbit holes, all the way into a single, double, triple or quadruple knot for extra support!

The smart aglet can also be voice activated! It was purposfully designed to be activated by any voice, so when you're walking down the street and a stranger notices your shoe is untied, a simple “Yo, you idiot! Your motherfucking shoe is untied!” will illicit a hyper-fast response from the smart aglet. Your shoes are instantly tied!

Along with the voice commands, the aglet can also vary the type of knot. Not only can it do single, double, triple and even quadruple knots, this marvel of modern technology can tie intricate sailing knots, Boy Scout knots, lynch knots and bondage knots!

I mean, imagine this: you are in the throes of passion with your lover. You're engaged in a steamy scene that in no way resembles the atrocious smut you didn't watch when you didn't see “50 Shades of Gray” last month, and they are screaming your name.

They want you to to tie them up. They want to feel your strong, sensuous hands wrapping them in the perfection that is the knot tying ability they assumed you had when you wrote “skilled in the fine art of BDSM” on your Tinder profile — again, in no way gathered from when you absolutely didn't watch “50 Shades of Gray” for the seventh time last night. 

You forgot to mention that you don't actually know how to tie a knot. Hell, you barely remember how to tie your shoes, all thanks to the smart aglet! Hold it right there, buckaroo. The smart aglet has heard your lover's cries! Within seconds, they are tied up into the most beautiful pretzel your sex-crazed eyes have ever seen. All you can mutter through the guttural, primal moans of lovemaking is, “Thank you, smart aglet. Thank you.”

Purchase the smart aglet at www.superusefulthings.com/xxx!