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Destler Dodge

The greatest threat to our quality of living is not terrorists, Obama or global warming. It’s glitter, or really, a lack there of. Glitter is what holds our country together, but now our national glitter supply is running out!.

Not long ago, a website that offered users the chance to send envelops of glitter to their enemies was posted on Reddit, and soon after, it seemed that nearly, everyone was attempting to send glitter bombs to their many enemies. Such a spike in sales quickly lead to a massive demand for glitter that our reserves could not handle, and proceeded to a completely destabilize in the national economy.

As everyone knows, glitter is harvested from the limited supply of national glitter caves. This harvesting generally takes place on midsummers eve to insure maximum sparkliness, but the spike in demand this past January lead the harvesters back to their caves for 24/7 glitter collection which has continued to the time of publication. In addition to expanding the glitter collection season, the sales from this company have drastically depleted the resources in the United States, and trading with neighboring countries has proven difficult. Since our glitter need is so great, countries like China and Indonesia have raised their prices to extreme levels.

This economic crisis can be blamed completely on the company's president, Thomas Saperstein. Critics everywhere are citing his poor business practices and his shortsightedness for the economic disaster. “We couldn’t find any more glitter. We completely drained our local glitter resources. We didn't plan on the company being so successful. I never guessed people had so many enemies,” said Saperstein in testimony before being sentenced to life in prison for his reckless business practices that “directly endangered the lives of U.S. citizens, and have singlehandedly destabilized the economy.”

Glitter harvesters are now reporting that the country's glitter reserves are set to run out by May 2015. They predict that several million tons will have to be imported by then in order to minimize the economic repercussions. They also recommend that the government establish a nationwide prohibition of all products containing glitter until supplies reach a stable level.

Since the glitter ban has not yet taken effect, citizens have been rushing to stockpile all glitter-infused products. Party stores such as iParty and Party City are reporting record high revenues and chain stores like Walmart and Target are removing all remaining glitter-filled makeup products from their shelves in an effort to reduce the number of riots.

As glitter is becoming scarcer, the presence of glitter products on sites like eBay is skyrocketing. Sephora’s Colorful Eyeshadow N 06 “Apple Mojito,” once $12 for a 0.7 oz compact, is currently listed on eBay for $530 by user Glitterlord with the current bid rising every several minutes. In an email interview, Glitterlord says that he “earns around $1250 per compact at the end of each auction.”

With the repercussions of this crisis becoming more apparent each day, we recommend a number of strategies to keep the disaster from affecting your life too much. Since the crisis came from people having too many enemies, try finding other outlets for your rage. Instead of sending them glitter, try TP-ing or egging them instead. These are cheaper alternatives, and egg resources are much easier to replenish than glitter. Another option is conflict resolution. While not as fulfilling as glitter bombing or egging, reducing your enemy count is more beneficial than perpetual hate. 

For those worrying about glitter-infused products like makeup and party supplies, try using glitter-free products. While they're not as fantastic as their glittery counterparts, there are a large number of makeup and party tutorials available online. For example, instead of glitter confetti, try using bits of paper, and instead of glittering streamers, use some of that leftover toilet paper you bought to TP your enemies house. 

If we all work together we can all reduce the strain of the glitter crisis, and still live happy, healthy lives. There are plenty of alternatives to using glitter, and those responsible for the crisis have been dealt with. We just need to believe in ourselves and start cutting back on our glitter intake. Together, we can make it through.