The Masturbatory Investigation Unit

photography by Pepe Roni | illustration by A Simple Bagel

Tonight’s the night. You’ve spent the last grueling week studying for your midterms, dismissing trivial things such as meals and hygiene. The stress is graying you prematurely and you have a twitch in your eye. Tonight, you’re going to treat yourself: scented candles, R. Kelly in the background, imported Vietnamese oils and your cache of underwater foot fetish videos. As you get into your rhythm of vigorously spanking it, the internet cuts out. You look at the swirling gray circle on your monitor, impatiently waiting for the video to buffer, when your door bursts open.

You’ve heard the rumors. RIT has hired a private company to help enforce a “cleaner” and “more respectable” morality code. A new clause recently emailed to every student living on campus:"Internet Pornography Is Now Banned." You didn’t believe it. You thought, “How could they possibly know when I’m polishing my fuck stick?” However, as a shiny, slightly-vibrating purple dildo collides with your jaw, all doubt is removed from your mind. You believe in the Masturbatory Investigation Unit (MIU).

Although the MIU brings about a controversial change to the nightlife of lonely engineers, one must have a healthy respect for the brave men and women putting their lives on the line to uphold this new system. Nothing is more terrifying than stopping a person mid-tug. And for that reason, the MIU outfits their officers with specialized protective gear.

An officer’s first line of defense is his or her coat. The hazard of various bodily fluids flying everywhere is very real and with that threat, the MIU has developed tailored protective coats. These coats have been specially crafted with waterproof material to keep the wearer dry, whether it be through thunderstorms or deluge-level bukkake. In keeping with the theme of safety, every officer is required to wear protective glasses because the first few missions resulted in optical burning sensations and the legal ramifications of on-the-job blindness were too much for the MIU to dismiss.

The crime of polluting RIT’s wifi with porn is something the MIU takes very seriously, but it’s not a crime that requires deadly force. That being said, immediate neutralization of an offender is necessary and that is why we issue out Enforcers. Seeing an Enforcer, you might ask “Isn’t that just a dildo?” To that I say ... the author of this article isn’t high brow. The training to use such a weapon is extensive. Months of hand-to-dildo combat training are required before an officer is allowed out on the field, both to ensure the officer’s safety and to reduce the chance of Enforcer abuse. The abuse of power is an issue that the MIU takes very seriously; after the “anal lesions” lawsuit of ‘06, procedures and protocols were put in place to make every officer responsible for his/her actions.

For the job of MIU officer, physical prowess is matched only with psychological fortitude. Officers often encounter the darkest recesses of human sexuality. To walk away from Brazilian donkey shows playing choppily in 240p takes a strength of character not found in most. To judge an applicant efficiently, a unique test was created: the First-time Applicant Program (FAP).

The FAP is divided into three parts: physical strength, mental stability and moral compass. Each test is dynamic and hand-crafted for the individual applicant to create the most hostile environment. The physical test is a field simulation, usually involving enraged (and engorged) animatronic practice dummies. The future proud soldier will poke and prod his/her way through an obstacle course designed to test agility. Used, festering condoms and rancid underwear litter the course’s floor and one slip will render an applicant disqualified.

The test of mental stability is, well, fucked up. It follows the obstacle course immediately and the applicant is locked into a room for one hour. The room is lined with computer monitors playing a variety of videos: "One Man One Jar," "Two Girls One Cup" and more of the most vile videos on the internet that could be seen in a sexual connotation. If the applicant wishes, there is a button that releases him/her from the room — but if it is pressed, disqualification is immediate. Only the strongest of will can withstand the constant barrage of twisted fetishes.

Morality is more difficult to test. In fact, in the early days of the MIU, it was not uncommon for an officer to be living a life of purity by day and using the company computers to fax photo-manipulated dick pics at night (looking at you David). To maintain the company philosophy reduce the frequency of these events, the morality questionnaire was developed. It includes 500 questions of increasing personal depth and concludes with an interview with an enlisted officer. The interview process takes only a few minutes, as polygraphs tend to extract the deepest truths — especially when electric nipple clamps are involved.

The MIU has surprisingly seen a dwindling in the number of applicants over the years. Something about the entrance exam is “degrading,” whatever that means. So, with the recent change of scenery for the organization, the MIU is hoping that some driven individuals will reach out and offer their services. If you’re interested in becoming part of the MIU, the easiest way to get in contact with representatives is to open up pornhub.com on your personal computer. Within minutes, an officer will show up directly to your door, ready to talk and accept your application. We want you to enforce our archaic version of Puritan justice.