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Destler Dodge

“Please Drink Responsibly.” It’s a maxim printed on every beer, wine and spirit. Everyone knows the line and what it means: anything more than a couple a night is excess.

But that’s not realistic, is it? Raise your hand if you’ve been known to drink more than a couple. Raise your hand if you’re still alive. Exactly. How could something so ubiquitous really be that bad? We’ve had alcohol since the neolithic era. Its benefits clearly outweigh its costs. Frankly, I’m tired of the negative press. To model these benefits of drinking and – what some would call – copious amounts of alcohol, I’m going to write this article while sloshed; by the end, you’ll be thanking me between tequila shots.

BODY

Alcohol isn’t just a vice. It’s honest-to-god medicine: studies show that a glass of red wine a night has a wide range of positive health effects and can extend your life. I’m no science major, but it stands to reason that a gallon of red wine every night makes you fucking immortal.

And when you get down to it though, what is the functional difference between wine and liquor? I would argue that there is none. According to the government, you can’t have either before you’re 21. I’m not going to argue with the government. They have attack drones and the IRS.

The health benefits of heavy drinking are plentiful and obvious. Dr. Peetra Coakley, who probably went to some medical school, agrees.

“Please don’t call me on my personal number, especially at this hour,” said Coakley.

Other experts are not so sure.

“We broke up seven months ago, take a fucking hint and stop texting me,” said Stacy, noted heartless bitch who ripped out my heart and fist-fucked it to death.

MIND

The physical benefits of getting plastered are just the tip of the iceberg. The real power of booze is absorbed by your brain. When you’re drunk, you have the best ideas. Of course you can break that bottle over your head. Shit yeah you can climb that wall. You should totally text your ex because seven months is actually a really long time if you think about it.

But these aren’t just ideas. They get executed because with great blood alcohol content also comes great responsibility. Responsibility to follow through with your awesome ideas. You know that voice in your head that says things like “you shouldn’t chase whiskey with a different kind of whiskey” and “public urination is a misdemeanor?” You fight that voice. The name of that voice is failure. You’re not a failure. You’re a legend.

Another great thing about alcohol is that it makes you invulnerable. The physical limitations of my body kept me from successfully climbing that wall and there may or may not be glass in my skull. Do I feel it? Nope. Superman is real and he just finished a handle of Smirnoff all by himself.

Superman is reel and he jsut finished a handle of Smirnoff all byy himselff.

But you’re not just invulnerable to physcal pain. You’re invulnerble to emotional pain too. All your troubles melt away when you’re intoxicatd. Do you think I feel bad eating this entir pizza by myself? You think I’m upset that Stacy hasn’t answred my calls even though it’s our anniversry and we both clearly still love each othr? Fuck no. I am stong and smart and I don’t need anybdy but msyelf.

SPIRIT

stacy pleas take me back

CHARACTER

Life is a series of ups and downs. Things might get better and things might get worse. But regardless of your circumstances, there’s one thing you need: your self-respect. It’s one thing to have your self-respect when everything’s going well. But when you lay supine on the cold tile floor of your bathroom wondering if you can actually die from a hangover, self-respect is the only thing you have. As you white-knuckle through what feels like your thousandth dry heave, you will know how much stronger you truly are. So drink and be merry and then keep drinking; rock bottom is whatever you want it to be.